infertility can really suck.

 

After keeping it a secret for many years, I finally "came out" with my disease in 2015. I was tired of fighting against all of the ridiculous expectations placed on me by society -  like when I should get married or start a family.  Along the way, I learned how to navigate the "secret world" of infertility - on my own - and alone. It sucked! 

I just can't let that happen to you! 

Thus, I've created this blog for YOU, to make you laugh, remind you that you CAN DO THIS, and to offer resources to help you keep fighting like the warrior that you are!

 
 
 
 

WHAT INFERTILITY LOOKS LIKE

 
 
 
 
 

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Infertility and Sex: Why My Husband Wouldn't Sleep With Me for Almost a Year
Infertility and Sex: Why My Husband Wouldn't Sleep With Me for Almost a Year

On November 8th, 2017, the day of our IVF transfer, we had sex that morning before heading into the surgery center. It wasn’t something we planned to do, and to be honest, we probably should have cleared this by our doctor, but we knew this day was special and wanted to somehow feel like we romantically came together and made a baby. I had no idea this would be the last time I would make love to my husband until after Flo was born. Seven weeks postpartum to be exact. According to math, that’s TEN WHOLE MONTHS without fornication.

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Flo's Birth Story: The Day Our Lives Changed Forever
Flo's Birth Story: The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

This is it y'all. The BEST, most scary, most exciting day of my life. The day our sweet baby Flo entered this world. Yes, I setup a GoPro camera in the corner to capture her arrival. And yes, I've watched it at least a dozen times already. Don't worry, you won't see my coot coot or any weird shit. I'm keeping it classy, for once.  But before you watch the video, and think, wow, that looks so easy, she literally pushed for under a minute... Let me tell you somethin' (in my best Ace Ventura voice). There were A LOT of challenges leading up to this moment. 

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Infertile & Pregnant: Three Gadgets I Absolutely Needed to Survive Pregnancy
Infertile & Pregnant: Three Gadgets I Absolutely Needed to Survive Pregnancy

TRUTH : Infertile mommas tend to be a little on the paranoid side. But, understandably so y'all. We're used to loss. We're used to disappointment. We're used to failure. Many of us get to place of accepting this way of life and learn to EXPECT just about EVERYTHING to go wrong when it comes to baby makin'. Amiright?

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find me on Instagram @expectinganything

“A little girl with an old name” as my grandma says. That’s because Florence is named after her. Viola, Flo’s middle name, is after my great aunt who passed away at 99 years old. She survived breast cancer and two husbands, and lived with her two sisters, just like the golden girls. She was the “fun” one. As kids, whenever we would take a picture she would tell us to say “sex” instead of “cheese”. So you know she was was one of my favs. 😆 She passed right before her 100th birthday party. 😥Florence is my grandmothers middle name, and she got that name from her grandmother. If you know anything about my grandma, you know that she is tough as nails. She is 95 years old and was just told she can’t drive anymore. She was mowing her own lawn until recently. She didn’t cry at my grandfathers funeral because she wanted to be strong for the rest of us. I’ve actually only known of her to cry three times ever. Once when my cousin (her grandson) passed away. Once when her son, my uncle Fred passed away. And the third time was when she heard Florence’s name for the first time. It touched her that deeply that a little girl was connected to her by a name. A child to carry on her legacy. Her grandmothers legacy. We flew across the country for them to meet, and despite her arthritis being so bad in one arm, she still wanted to hold her. She had me lay her on the side that didn’t hurt. Having her meet Flo baby was incredibly important to me. I wanted Flo to know the amazing woman she was named after. A legend. A woman so far beyond her time, who accepts everyone and anyone regardless of their race, gender, sexual orientation, or status. A woman who goes to church every Sunday, but would never judge anyone for not. She aways told me she was praying for me to have a baby. For YEARS she prayed. 🙏🏼 She knew my pain without me even having to tell her. She, just knows things. She, too, has endometriosis, something I never knew until recently. It was beautiful to see her with Flo. I hired a photographer to capture the essence - the instant bond between a 95 year old woman and a 4 month old baby, sharing a name, holding hands.❤️ #oldnameoldsoul #florenceviola
It takes a village and THIS is my village (which happens to be 3,000 miles away on the east coast). 😔 Despite the distance being far, the love is always so close. This was our first Thanksgiving without my Uncle Fred - he passed away right around the time Flo was born. My dad grieved his brother and held his first granddaughter all in the same week. 💔 I’ll never forget what my dad said to me as we awaited Flo’s arrival - he quoted a lyric from The Band, my uncle’s favorite 🎵 ... “there’ll be one child born and a world to carry on”. 🌎 It was her duty to carry us all on. A purpose so much greater than we even knew. Her timing was exactly the way it was supposed to be. My dad needed her that week. We all did. Her mere existence brought my family the joy it needed during a very hard time. 👶🏽 In fact, the week before my Uncle passed, he asked me to text him a picture of my belly to cheer him up. Flo even put a smile on his face on his worst of days. Each and everyone of these special humans prayed for this baby to be created, and like me, they loved her way before she was here. 🙏🏼And although Flo might not be happy in this photo, she’s bringing happiness to my village. HER village. The circle of life? Perhaps. More like, the circle of love. I definitely felt his presence and love around us, shining that beautiful light.💫 Smiling at us. For those of you out there still fighting. Still waiting for your miracle - I hope that you can trust that he/she will come at the perfect moment. For a timing soooo meant to be. A purpose far beyond the here and now. 🙏🏼🌈 #trustyourjourney #donoreggjourney 📷 @rayevalion
The first of many dreams granted today! 💫 To the very deserving McKensie @mackkanos who finally got her rainbow - & the very first recipient of our Dream Nursery design by @booandrook 🌈McKensie’s Story: My journey to becoming pregnant actually started about 12 years ago, long before I met my husband or even tried to start getting pregnant - I went to the doctor for what I thought was endometriosis but she told me to cut gluten out of my diet and that it was probably just an intolerance. Mmmmkay... tried that but it obviously didn’t work. I was 20 and really wasn’t thinking that much of my reproductive organs and since my doc brushed it off so did I (with all the heating pads and ibuprofen anyone had to offer). Fast forward to two years ago when my husband and I immediately tried conceiving. Within six months at my regular OBGYN, she was already referring me to a fertility specialist. At my first appointment at the fertility clinic, the doctor said I think you have endometriosis but I can’t really confirm that. He recommended an IUI but was nervous the meds would trigger the endo even more. Me, so desperate to get pregnant, opted for the IUI regardless. Well it didn’t work and now my right ovary was in the center of my back due to my endo😬, and laparoscopy was our next option in order to move forward. I was told this 2 months before they could actually fit me in for surgery, so our hopes of getting pregnant were delayed, again. We were now over a year at trying. I had the surgery then had to recover for 3 months before we could even talk next steps. Fast forward to our first IVF in which two embryos were transferred and 10 days later, the dreadful news that it didn’t work. We decided to be in control and chose to take the summer off before we would do anything else. It was just one bad news after the other. In late July, we met with a new fertility doctor, in a new city, and for some reason just knew he was the one that was gonna get us pregnant. We scheduled the transfer for August 21st, 2018. 9 days later, got the news that my beta was 219 and then 3 days later was 2994! We are due with a baby girl May 2019. 🌈🎀 Congrats McKensie! #dreamnurserymovement
“How did you decide to use donor eggs?” I get this question at least once a day, so I thought I’d answer. The short answer is - I wanted a baby. I was tired of losing. I was tired of grieving. I wanted to be a mom. To someone. Anyone. Anyone who would take me and call me Mom. 🙏🏼 But the decision didn’t happen overnight. Right before our last IVF cycle with my own eggs, I started thinking about what I would do if it didn’t work. My egg quality and quantity was low, I knew it was our last go. Low ovarian reserve, my diagnosis. I secretly started doing research, didn’t even tell my husband. I learned that donor eggs had a high probability of working and also allowed me a chance to be someone’s biological mother. I wanted to experience pregnancy, breast feeding, and giving birth. Donor eggs were my answer. 🙏🏼 Did I worry about bonding? Did I worry about her not looking like me? Did I worry about her not loving me enough? Did I worry that she would want to meet the donor one day? Or her half siblings? Or that my family might not love her the same as if she was their DNA? YES to all of the above. But those worries washed away fast. Look at this picture, do you think I’m worried? NOPE. I couldn’t love her more. On most days I forget that we even used a donor. Of course that doesn’t take away from her import role, its just that I’m more important. I am mommy. I am her everything. And mommy went thru a hell of a time to be called that. I took the time I needed to grieve my eggs. My DNA. It’s a process, and you have to go thru it, for everyone’s sake. Especially for hers. Our first donor failed, and I honestly believe it’s because I wasn’t fully ready yet. Flo baby was up there waiting. I wasn’t done grieving. She came to me when she knew I was strong and ready. I ask her all the time “what took you so damn long?” And she smiles👶🏽 Do I have regrets? HELL NO! She is pure magic. My greatest love of all. She may not look like me but she surely has my intensity, my inner strength, my heart, and my soul. And that’s so much more powerful than what any DNA could provide. Donor eggs are a real gift and a big part of my existence as a mother. 🌈 #deivf #thankyouscience

all content copyright - Victoria Nino 2017