infertility can really suck.

 

After keeping it a secret for many years, I finally "came out" with my disease in 2015. I was tired of fighting against all of the ridiculous expectations placed on me by society -  like when I should get married or start a family.  Along the way, I learned how to navigate the "secret world" of infertility - on my own - and alone. It sucked! 

I just can't let that happen to you! 

Thus, I've created this blog for YOU, to make you laugh, remind you that you CAN DO THIS, and to offer resources to help you keep fighting like the warrior that you are!

 
 
 
 

WHAT INFERTILITY LOOKS LIKE

 
 
 
 
 

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BLOG
I Survived Infertility And So Will You.
I Survived Infertility And So Will You.

I remember this defining moment like it was yesterday. The doctor told me that it was almost impossible for me to conceive. She told me that it was going to be a huge uphill battle if I wanted to get pregnant. I had already tried multiple rounds of fertility treatments, IUIs, IVF, laparoscopy, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, you name it. Infertility was my life. It had consumed every piece of my being. I didn’t go on trips, I didn’t eat certain foods, I was wearing UGG boots in the summer because someone told me it would help my fertility if I kept my feet warm.

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Infertility and Sex: Why My Husband Wouldn't Sleep With Me for Almost a Year
Infertility and Sex: Why My Husband Wouldn't Sleep With Me for Almost a Year

On November 8th, 2017, the day of our IVF transfer, we had sex that morning before heading into the surgery center. It wasn’t something we planned to do, and to be honest, we probably should have cleared this by our doctor, but we knew this day was special and wanted to somehow feel like we romantically came together and made a baby. I had no idea this would be the last time I would make love to my husband until after Flo was born. Seven weeks postpartum to be exact. According to math, that’s TEN WHOLE MONTHS without fornication.

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Flo's Birth Story: The Day Our Lives Changed Forever
Flo's Birth Story: The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

This is it y'all. The BEST, most scary, most exciting day of my life. The day our sweet baby Flo entered this world. Yes, I setup a GoPro camera in the corner to capture her arrival. And yes, I've watched it at least a dozen times already. Don't worry, you won't see my coot coot or any weird shit. I'm keeping it classy, for once.  But before you watch the video, and think, wow, that looks so easy, she literally pushed for under a minute... Let me tell you somethin' (in my best Ace Ventura voice). There were A LOT of challenges leading up to this moment. 

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find me on Instagram @expectinganything

NEW MOM ANXIETY 😬 Flo Baby is ready for her first “glamping” trip. 😆 Me, on the other hand, well, um, I am most definitely pretending that I got this shit on lock. AND I DEFINITELY DO NOT. 🤦🏼‍♀️ We were invited to stay with our close friends and their 3 mo old baby in a camper in Lake Havasu. 5 adults and 2 babies all sleeping in close quarters. 🤯 My control freak, new mom, self was thinking HELL NO that’s just crazy, we could NEVER! But my old YOLO, impulse self was screaming FUCK yes, let’s goooo Clampetts! Grab me some jorts and a sixer of Miller Lite and let’s Roll Tide! 🍺 I hemmed and hawed over the decision for a few days, playing out all the nightmare scenarios - the worst one being - NO ONE EVER SLEEPS, but after a few gut checks with some trusted friends, I realized that I need to flex. We want to go, so let’s go! I want Flo Baby to have fun experiences like I did as a kid, I want us to keep living life and doing things we love, and I want her to be flexible too! I want to make family memories now! ☀️YOLO! We went on this same trip last year when she was in my belly bouncing around on a speed boat, so it’s basically a family tradition now, right? It would have been much easier to forgo a 4-5 hour road trip to a place that could completely end in a disaster vs staying home, on a strict nap schedule, in her crib, in the peace and quiet. But easy ain’t always the most fun, is it? 🤷🏼‍♀️ No matter the outcome, either way, we are gonna have a new experience as a family. I’ve never been one to shy away from a fear or a risk, but ever since Flo Baby was born that has changed. I so easily crawl back into my shell when something feels scary. Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself. But, I’m working on it! I constantly remind myself that I’m raising an independent woman and I gotta show her the way! To be bold, take risks, live life to the fullest! 🤩 So, we are packin’ the car with a ALL the baby things (thanks for my girl @simplysugaredoc ) and will soon be on our way, down the river, like a herd of turtles. 😳#prayforustho #imseriouspleasepray #havasuaintready
BODY POSITIVITY ☝🏼That big ole belly, chunky thighs, wrist rolls, squishy titties and dimply booty. I LOVE ALL parts of you, Flo Baby. 😍 I hope you never lose your self confidence in that curvy Birthday suit of yours. 🤩 I’ll tell you every day that you are beautiful. Because you are, soooo beautiful! Strangers stop us all the time and say “wow, that’s a BIG girl” and I smile, and say, “yep, she sure is, just like her mama was”. I was a “big girl” at your age too, and big girls just have more to love! ❤️Together we can CRUSH the hell out of a weight percentile. 🤜🏼🤛🏽You wanna know something else, Flo Baby? Because of you, I love my own body more. You have given me a confidence in my curves I didn’t even know existed in me. And although my squishy side boob and dimply booty, could never compare to yours, you make me feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt in my own Birthday suit. I’m not sure I’ll be chillin nakey on a blankey in a field anytime soon - only YOU can pull that off. 🌾😆 But who knows? 🤷🏼‍♀️ You teach me something new about myself every day. Thank you for that. Keep on rocking it girl. There is no wrong way to have a body. You are FIRE Miss New Booty! 🔥 #curvesarebeautiful #bodypositivepower #thickthighsavelives 📷 @jptwinsphoto
Dear Flo Baby, today is our first Mother’s Day together, and THIS ☝🏼is what’s on my mind today. The very second you entered this world and were placed in my arms. THIS was my first Mother’s Day. Your daddy’s hand still on my knee, while the doctor stitched me up. The nurses were all hustling and bustling around us. Your grandmother “Mom-O” was jumping up and down behind us screaming “IT’S A GIRL! ITS’S A GIRL !” I remember so vividly placing my hand on your tiny belly for the first time. I kept thinking how scary it must have been for you, being out in the big world for the very first time. I just wanted you to feel safe. I wanted you to know that it was me holding you, the one who had carried you in my belly. With the happiest tears I’ve ever cried, my first words to you were “oh my God, you’re MY baby!” I was in such great awe of you. I had never seen anything this beautiful. THIS was my Mother’s Day. They asked me what your name was, and I told them I needed 20 minutes. I have no idea why I responded with such a specific amount of time, but I really didn’t need it. After about 2 minutes of staring into your dark blue eyes, I looked at you and said “you’re Florence”. I looked up at your daddy and he smiled and said, “yes, she’s definitely Florence”. 🤩 Your Paw Paw entered the room and immediately started crying when he saw you, and we definitely don’t see him cry much. We were all so touched by your presence. You are the greatest miracle I’ve ever known, my love. I’ll never forget all the details of the day you were born, because it’s also the day your mother was born. Yes, me, Flo Baby. You gave me a title I wasn’t sure I’d ever have. A title that took me 8 years to earn. Mother.🤱🏼 I don’t need a holiday or a Hallmark card. You already gave me the most amazing gift of being your mother. The best title I’ve ever had. I’m still not sure how to feel about this holiday, but I sure do know how I felt about THIS day! That was my Mother’s Day, and every day after that. Every day is my Mother’s Day, but if your daddy wants to make me some pancakes, I’m cool with that. 😊 I love you the most. Love, mama #letterstoflo #firstmothersday #motherhoodafterinfertility
“MOTHER’S DAY IS COMING ” in my best Ned Stark voice. 🥶 That was me every year for the last 8 years. The anxiety and pit in my stomach would kick in a few weeks prior. The commercials, the flyers sent to my house, the email marketing. 😫 I just couldn’t avoid being slapped in the face by my biggest failure in life. And NOW I am finally a mother and it’s my first Mother’s Day and I no longer have to hide. I can sit in a restaurant and not be feared the question “are you a mother?” and accept that damn flower, I so badly wanted to accept for all those years. But for some reason I’m still not feeling like this day is a day full of joy. I still feel anxious. This holiday triggers me bad! How is one supposed to just jump into a celebration they have grieved so many times before? I certainly can’t just wash away all the grief, and infertility PTSD, and pretend that I fit in. It’s not that easy. I don’t fit in. I can’t hear “Happy Mother’s Day” without crying. 😥 Some would say that I earned the right to celebrate this day, and you know what? I sure fucking did. But I earned those stripes years ago. For years, I was a mother to a baby that I couldn’t see or touch. To a baby I had done so much hard work for. A baby that I had loved since forever. A baby I had made so many sacrifices for. THIS baby☝🏼now in my arms, giving me the best mouth kisses ever existed. I became her mother years ago. And she will know that. If it kills me, she will know that. She will watch me educate every waitress who asks the “are you a mother?” question, that it’s not something you should ask and why. She will listen as I inform strangers that not everyone is happy on Mother’s Day. She will know. She will watch as I speak out about all the different types of mothers, paths to motherhood, and those that have lost. She will learn about compassion and advocacy for those that need a voice. She will NOT be that waitress who asks that question. She will know. ❤️ #mothersdayiscoming 📷 @jptwinsphoto #deivf #motherhoodafterinfertility

all content copyright - Victoria Nino 2017