Dear Husband, I'm Sorry For Not Being Able to Give You a Baby.

Dear sweet bear,

There is so much I want to say to you. There is so much I want the world to know about you. 

Every time I see you smile at the baby at the next table over, or disappear from the party to go play with our friends kids in their room, I am reminded of how I have deprived you from what you want the most. A family.

A child to call your own.

Yet, somehow, you never let me have any guilt about this. You never let me feel like any of this is my fault or feel sorry for my broken body.

But, I am sorry. So, very sorry. 

I'm sorry for not being able to give you a baby. 

I'm sorry that all the attention is on me when it comes to the support we get. I'm sorry that you aren't getting cards in the mail, or thoughtful texts from friends checking in on you. I'm sorry, that when you are grieving, most of your energy is spent soothing my soul, and not your own.

I am sorry if you ever feel alone or forgotten. 

You are NOT.

I'm sorry that you have had to stick me with needles and cause me physical pain over and over again, so much that it makes me cry and leaves my body covered in bruises and welts. I know that this hurts you too.

men and infertility
men and infertility

I wish I could be stronger for you, like you are for me. 

men and infertility

I'm sorry you have had to be the one to call the doctor to get the pregnancy test results every, damn, time, because I just can't bring myself to do it.

I'm sorry you have had to feel any shame about "our" infertility and are put in uncomfortable situations when the "baby" topic comes up. You don't deserve that.

I'm sorry that you have had to grieve in silence. I'm sorry that you have had to be the strong one for so long. I'm sorry that you have had to protect me from getting hurt emotionally, at the expense of your own hurt feelings. 

I'm sorry that you have had to act "overly excited" when we get pregnancy announcements from friends to compensate for my obvious sadness and grief. 

I'm sorry that you have had to be my constant cheerleader, reminding me that I am strong and can do this.

I'm sorry that you have spent many nights awake worried about our future - not knowing if we will ever be able to grow our family, and that your dreams of becoming a father might eventually have to be let go. 

I'm sorry that you ever had to feel helpless because you can't "fix" me. I know that you desperately wish you could. I know that your heart is broken too, but hold it in to protect me. But, I see you.

Please know that I see you.

What infertility looks like

Please know that you are enough for me. Please know, that IF after ALL of this - it's just me and you at the end - that is enough for me. Please know, that you are all I've ever needed. 

Thank you, my sweet, loving, protective bear.

Thank you for standing by my side, and for supporting me unconditionally during one of life's most difficult challenges. Thank you for never allowing me to truly feel weak and for accepting me in all my hormonal glory. We have come a long, long way. We have grown, we have risen, we have conquered, and that is mostly because of you.  You have carried me through this journey - picking me up, time and time again. You are my true super hero.

I want you to know that I count my blessings every day I wake up and get to be married to you. 

YOU, are my family. You are my heart. You are my home.

Baby, or no baby, we are going to be okay, because I have you.

men and infertility

Yours truly always and forever,