Infertility, you have changed me. 

I used to be one of those Assholes that would say things like...

"We're going to get pregnant in April so that we can have a baby in December!"

"We're going to have two babies by the time I'm 35."

"We're just going to stop "not trying" and see what fate gives us"

"We're young, we won't have any trouble getting pregnant"

"We'll start with puppies, and then babies."

Puppies. CHECK! Baby Bjorn. CHECK!

Infertility Changed us

Or how about..."We're going to have babies." Period.  How ignorant was I?  Many of you are cringing right now.  Well, so am I.  Ew.  What an asshole I was.

I spent my whole God Damn life trying NOT to get pregnant (ok, maybe not my "whole" life - sorry mom, you know what I mean), so I just figured when I tried TO get pregnant it would be a walk in the park. 

We tried for about 4 years the old fashion way, letting fate run it's course. So, when people would ask "Are you guys trying?" the answer was "um, yeah, kinda".

NEWS FLASH - Don't fucking ask people that! You are basically asking people if they are having regular unprotected sex.  You might as well say something like "So what you're saying is, your semen is going into her vagina?"  GROSS!  

So, then we moved on to the ovulation apps, pee sticks and baby makin' lubes for about 8-10 mos. (in laymen's terms - "scheduled sex")  My husband loved being told when it was his time to "perform".  I'd stay stuff like "Giddy up, Pony Boy, it's showtime!".  Again, I'm an ASSHOLE.  Our stress levels started to increase and it was already starting to become a job at this point.  And if you know me you know that I already have enough jobs in my life.

Ryan Seacrest aint got nothin' on me!

infertility life

At the age of 33 I figured maybe we should go see a fertility doctor.  We did a little research and found that if you are under the age of 35 and have been trying for at least a year, then you are technically considered "infertile", but after 35 it drops to 6 months. So we made an appointment, and boy were we in for a ride.

We were both put through the ringer with tests - blood tests, urine tests, sperm tests, ultra sounds, you name it.  We kept getting bad news after bad news, which I'll share later.

We met with one doctor who would say things like "this is really bad, it's going to be almost impossible for you to get pregnant on your own".  Really Bro?  Thanks for the fucking pep talk.

We even switched doctors a couple of times to get the right person. Some of them blamed Jonathan (my husband), some of them blamed me.  Imagine what that does to a marriage?  Having to point fingers and decide who's "fault" it is. There were so many times I wanted it to be my fault so that he didn't have to carry that burden. I wanted to be "the one".  I could handle it, so I thought.

We finally found our perfect doctor - she was a straight shooter yet comforting in a motherly, "I'm going to take care of you" kind of way.  Something about her just felt right.  One of the first things she said to us was "I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it just isn't fair".  We knew right away that this woman cared about us, and wasn't in it for the money.  She's our gal!  Yay!

She calls me her "baby", because I'm one of her youngest patients.  Imagine that!  The last doc made me feel like an old hag who had little chance at all.  Fuck. That. Guy.

He gets TWO middle fingers.

Fuck Infertility

I'm telling you all of this because, until I went through this, I was an Asshole.  

This experience has changed my outlook on a lot of things in life.  

I try to think about how others would feel more than ever before.  You never know the struggles that other people are fighting, big or small.  

I used to be that girl who would plaster Social Media with anything good that would happen.  Like, when I first got engaged, or the five different albums of our wedding, and you all remember the photos of the flowers my husband gave me every month. I didn't think about the people out there that were dying to find love and might be sad by seeing things like that.  Some of those people were my dear friends.  Well, I'm so incredibly sorry.  I was an Asshole.

I'm not saying not to celebrate.  God knows I love a good celebration.  I'm just saying, know your audience. Have some compassion for others.  Be humble.  Be real.  Laugh at yourself a little.  You can share the good stuff, but not just the good stuff.  Don't be "that guy" everyone wants to bitch slap every time they post something about their perfect fucking life.  I'm done with that shit - Bye Felicia. BYE!

Why do we feel the pressure to appear as everything is perfect and happy all the time?  It creates a false sense of life.  It fosters unrealistic expectations that we place on ourselves.  I'm not saying we can't be positive, I'm saying let's keep it real. What's the worst that can happen?

Well, I'll be your guinea pig.

I have officially put my dirty laundry out there for you all to see (ooooh that's stanky), and it's only going to get dirtier.  I now have the support from people I haven't talked to in decades.  Support from people I've never met.  Support from people that were some of my closest friends that had no idea I was even going through this.  Support from people that I thought wouldn't understand.  The love I feel is overwhelming, it's truly the best gift I could ever receive. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

An old friend who read my first blog emailed me the other day and said " I always thought your life was so perfect, I had no idea".   I think it's safe to say I cleared that up.  Bitch slap - avoided.  Phew!

Moral of the story - let's all try to be a little less perfect and A LOT less asshole.