If only we could just answer this question silently with two double birds.
Whether you are dating, married, or over 30 and single, there is always some f*cking idiot who asks the question - "When are you going to have kids?" or "Are you guys trying?". We've all heard it. And we all HATE it! My husband, Jonathan, and I have had years and years of practice with this question.
So, I thought, Hell, why not share our favorite comebacks.
10 Snarky Comebacks to the "When are you Having Kids?" Question:
1.The "Dog Deflection"
This one is my husband's go-to. It works like a charm, every dog-gone time! (see what I did there?) This is a good one for people that don't know you very well. It's an easy way to be nice without having to share your business. Here's how it goes...
"Oh, we already have kids, Stella and Romo. Stella is 10, and Romo is 9. They are our pride and joy, and truly the best babies we could ask for. Stella sleeps well through the night and never cries. Romo eats a lot and NEVER gets sick. He's even been drinking beer lately, just like a big boy! We really couldn't be prouder. (insert wink and cheesy smile)"
And they looooove Halloween! Can't you tell?
2. The "Shut A Bitch Down" Approach
This one is reserved for assholes, bitches and d-bags. The people you want to just shut down and never hear from again. You know their intentions are malicious. They aren't asking because they care, they're asking to be nosy and to have something to talk about behind your back. So, it's best to just shut a bitch down.
"Ew! Kids? NEVER! My life is absolutely f*cking amazing! I'd rather get 9 hours of sleep, have free weekends and spend my money on traveling the world, designer shoes and booze. Kids would just get in the way of my drinking problem. I'm not trying be a designated driver. If I was, I'd just get a job at Uber and get paid for it. No thanks! Was that a good answer? Or is there a better answer I could give you to stop f*cking asking me?"
3. The"Pop Quiz"
This one is best used on people that just don't get how inappropriate this question is. They're typically the same people that consistently ask you other uncomfortable probing questions. They're really good at reminding you that you aren't getting any younger, or that you aren't married yet, or that you really shouldn't drink as much as you do. F*ck those guys.
NOTE - this one is best performed when you've had a really shitty day and A LOT to drink...
It goes something like this...
"I've actually been meaning to ask you some questions about your personal life too!
How much money do you make?
Why are your teeth yellow?
Did your mom go to college?
How many people have you slept with?
Are your boobs real?
What do your farts smell like?
How big is your husband's penis?
Are you wearing spanx right now?
OH, and we've all been dying to know - Do you like anal? Yes, Anal sex. Do you like anal? Yes or no?"
4."Make it Awkward" because it's fun
This is one of my all time favorites, and used best when you're feeling snarky (OR tipsy) and just want to have fun with someone.
Look directly at them with a long blank stare. Look up at the ceiling. Look down at your drink. Look back at them again. Take an excessively long drink of your alcohol beverage. Look back at them once more for one more stare and then simply say "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
This one is ALWAYS obvious that you are f*cking with them. It's a playful way to give someone the hint. Only someone that can handle sarcasm though. If used on the right person you could easily end up laughing about it together.
"Great question! Hard to say. I need to ask Jonathan first if that's cool. I need to get his thoughts. He should be home around 5ish. But honestly, I'm sure the answer will be at least nine months from now. Could I let you know later tonight? Would that be okay? I know you really need to know, so when exactly do you need an answer by?
6."Pee in the Face"
Okay, y'all might think this one is crazy, I've never actually done it, but have certainly visualized doing it. The visualization always makes me laugh, so nevertheless, this approach works!
"OMG, I'm so glad you asked me that! I almost forgot. Let me check. (This is when you pull an ovulating pee stick out of your purse and look at it). I peed on this earlier and think it says it's negative. Will you take a look?" (shove it in their face) "Yep, negative. Obviously, I can't answer your question today. Maybe I will have a better idea by Tuesday. I'll get back to you. Does that work with your schedule?"
Most of the time, I just don't have the power to be funny, creative or bitchy. I just let it f*cking roll and give em' the truth. The sad, sad, truth.
And so, I say something like....
"I actually can't have children. I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, and therefore am infertile. We have spent a shit-ton of money, and struggled through years and years of procedures, and still nothing. And every time someone asks me this question it's like a knife to the heart."
You get the picture. The conversation usually unravels into a deeper discussion around infertility and someone they know that is suffering. I ALWAYS let them know how this question is hurtful and invasive. We never know what someone else is going through, and asking questions like this can be extremely painful and triggering.
This is where you fake a pregnancy. I know, it's cruel. But some people need to learn the hard way, right?
Order a very large alcoholic drink, take plenty of large gulps. And say..."This is totally awkward that you ask me this. I was just about to tell you that I'm pregnant!" And wait for the response.
The longer you wait, the more fun it is.
And then, you say...
Come'on, you know it's funny! Hillary is funny!
9."You're an Asshole"
This one pretty much explains itself. It's a nice swift kick to the nuts. This is the answer I give when asked in the same week of receiving negative pregnancy results or receiving my period (whichever comes first). And shamefully, I thoroughly enjoy this one when it does happen...
"Did you really just ask me that? (insert long, evil laugh) You're a real asshole for asking that. It's none of your f*cking business you f*cking asshole. I have a question for you "when are you going to go f*ck yourself? That's the better question you f*cking asshole."
10. The "Random Rant"
This one is great. You basically just start rambling off random shit about yourself that would prove you aren't fit to be a parent. Or, just anything random would work, really.
So, Victoria, when are you guys going to have kids?
I was on the Judge Judy show.
I got White-Girl-Wasted last weekend and spent $27 at Taco Bell
I secretly think it's funny when people trip and fall. Like really, really funny.
I have a tramp-stamp. A hideous, faded butterfly/flower situation.
I worked at Hooters for two weeks. And then got fired.
I was given a citation for peeing in public when I was in college. But the citation called it defecation for some reason. I didn't defecate. I swear.
"Would you want to be my kid? Think about it. What kind of mother get's fired from Hooters and allegedly defecates in public?"
What are your favorite comebacks? Please comment!