Finding Spirituality Through Infertility.

Damn it feels good, to be a Spiritual Gangster. 

Confession. 

I have been getting readings from an Intuitive. 

Don't laugh. Okay, laugh. Whatever. Meh. Just keep reading. You can make fun of me and talk shit behind my back later.

If you aren't familiar with the term, Intuitive, it is someone with a "special gift" who can see things that are going on with your life without you having to tell them. They are known to have a higher level of consciousness. A reading can feel like a form of therapy, without you having to do much talking.  They already know what's going on with you. They bring your own feelings to life, they help you process things you may not even know you are feeling, and they provide direction on how to proceed in an extremely charismatic way.  It's therapy on steroids.  Some call it "spiritual counseling". 

For this to work, you have to believe.

I'm the type of person that will try almost anything (like that one time at band camp). Um. I mean... 

If something can work for me, I can be a believer.  I'm not one to sit around and mope about life. When life hits me upside the head with a huge bowl of f*cking lemonade (with vodka), my immediate reaction is to seek solutions. I look for new ways to cope and push forward.  I'm open to trying literally anything that sounds even somewhat legit. If it could help me even a little bit - I will get ALL UP in some Gypsy Magic shit. Just tell me what I gotta do.

A dear friend of mine treated me to my first session as a gift. She swears by this woman.  

We scheduled some time to talk over the phone (she lives on the east coast).  It was hard to fathom that she would be able to read me over the phone. But nonetheless, I was excited. And nervous.  Very, very nervous. 

What if she tells me something I'm not ready to hear? What if she tells me I'm cursed?

F*ck.

Whatever, I'm doing it.  It was a gift from a friend. I owe it to her to at least give it a try.

We had our first call and Holy. F*cking. Shit. Balls. Balls. Balls. Shit. Shit. BALLS OF SHIT.

In the very first call, she blew the roof off my house.  She knew EVERYTHING.  She knew things about me that I didn't even know.  She knew the stuff you can't google (I checked).

The first thing she said to me was that I sounded like a 300 pound person because I was breathing like I was constantly out of breath. She could feel my stress and anxiety so deeply that it caused her to stutter. She compared me to "El Nino". 

Awesome.

El Nino is an irregularly occurring and complex series of climatic changes affecting the equatorial Pacific region and beyond, characterized by the appearance of unusually warm, nutrient-poor water.The presence of El Nino can significantly influence weather patterns and ocean conditions for an extended period of time.

My last name is Nino. FML.

She knew that I blamed myself for not being able to get pregnant. 

She could feel my sadness, guilt and anger. She knew that I have been struggling with relaxing and taking time for myself. She knew how busy I have been with working full time and running a business on the side. She even knew about the plumbing problems we are having with our new business location.  She advised me to hire a "legal" professional, if you know what I mean. (Duly noted) 

She knew that I haven't been eating healthy (oops, busted). And she knew exactly how much of a head case I am.  She compared me to a "guy" that she does readings for. Apparently my brain is more masculine than feminine.

The cat's out of the bag. Meow.

The first 30 minutes were beyond exhausting. My "ugly cry" was in full effect and I hadn't really even said a word yet. I was emotionally tired. What the f*ck just happened?

By the end of the session I was drained of every piece of emotion possible (good or bad). But, in that moment, it felt good. It felt freeing.  

I sobbed as she reassured me that I'm not cursed. And that it's not my fault we can't conceive. And when she told me that my eggs actually aren't rotten my tears turned to happy tears. 

The one thing she said that really hit home was that - "God hasn't forgotten about me". Huh? Why would she say that? I quickly replied -  "I know that". But, she kept pushing - "I don't think you do Victoria. Somewhere deep down you think God has forgotten about you."  

Has God really forgotten about me?

I'm not much of a religious type, but damn, have I really thought that?

Maybe I have. Shit. Maybe we have been going down this road alone for too long. I guess I thought we had to. I had gotten so used to us fighting our own battles. We didn't need anyone's help, so I thought. I honestly never even considered it.

Brace yourself for this next part, it might be hard to grasp, it definitely was for me...

Babies choose their parents before being born. 

(According to the Intuitive).  Think about that for a second. You chose the parents you have today for a reason.  They had something that you wanted or needed. And your children chose you.  Don't take that shit for granted. K?

Keep bracing, it gets weirder...

She told me that my baby is watching me. 

My baby isn't ready to choose me yet. He (yes, she said "he") thinks that I don't have any room in my life or my heart for him right now. He thinks that I have too much stress, and that scares him.  He sees my sadness and he doesn't want to be responsible for making me happy.  That's not fair to him. That's not his job. Apparently, 

"I got 99 problems, but a baby ain't one".

 Luckily, I have the most adorable nephew ever made. 

Luckily, I have the most adorable nephew ever made. 

It got me thinking...If I were a baby, would I choose me?

Sure, we have a lot going on. We travel a lot. We work a lot. We eat out a lot. We stress a lot. We drink A LOT. But, that stuff would have to change with a baby. Duh!  Doesn't he know that?  Until I'm actually pregnant, I'm going to party like it's 1999!  Can you blame me? 

Now, I know this all sounds crazy. It was really hard for me to process. And I'm still processing. I'm trying to "believe" in all this. I still have my doubts, but regardless, I'm open to the idea.

She explained to me that the egg's role in the fertilization process is to "chill", which means I need to also "chill". I've never been good at "chilling".  How does one "learn" to chill?  She wants me to focus on just "being" and not so much "doing". I don't even know if that's possible. I'm a doer. I DO things. LOTS of things.

I keep going back to her comment about God. I've never been much of a religious person. But, I've always believed there is some sort of "higher power" out there. It's kinda cool to think that God still has his eye on me.  The Intuitive wants me to start letting Him handle some of my worries. Wouldn't that be nice!

Could I really give up control to something greater than me?  

Now, I'm not saying I CAN give up control, honestly, I don't know if I can.  But I'm gonna f*cking try.

A friend told me recently "There is no such thing as an Atheist in a foxhole". Interesting statement, but very true. 

I'm starting this spiritual journey with enthusiasm and dedication. It's a new concept for me, but I'm ALL IN. With anything you want to work, you gotta be "all in", right?

Here ares some of the Spiritual things she has had me try so far..

  • Sea salt and baking soda bath, followed by a hot shower to wash away my worries
  • Create a private alter in my house where I can reflect on my day and be present
  • A "God Jar" where I can leave post-it notes of things I can't handle.  I'm leaving it for the Man to handle, so that I don't have to (ie. plumbing problems).
  • Lay on the ground under the sun to be "one" with the earth
  • Listen to mind-balancing podcasts in the car (instead of gangsta rap)
  • Doodle my thoughts instead of writing them

I have to say, the day after I took my salt and soda bath, I had the greatest day I've had in a while. I felt free. I felt calm. I felt present. I know this isn't something that comes easy for me, but I'm making it a priority.  I found this quote the other day, that resonated... 

"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens."  

I'm learning how to breathe for the first time, and I'm open to trusting and letting go. But make no mistake, 

I'm not changing who I am. 

                            I can be spiritual and still be a gangster. And, damn it feels good.

Finding Spirituality Through Infertility.