Wouldn't it be great if someone dropped a baby off on our doorstep for Christmas?
I said this exact statement to my husband the other day, and I was serious. Dead serious. I assumed he would just laugh at me or call me crazy, but instead he pondered it. It was cute to watch his face go from "what the hell" to "oh, that could be cool!" This went on for at least a couple of minutes...
And then he finally replied "Yea, that actually would be great."
F*ck yea, it would.
We would take that baby in a heart beat. I don't care what color, shape or size the baby would be, I would snatch that baby up and give it all my love. I would give that child the happiest life possible and smother him/her with joy. We would be the happiest, most proud parents and would love him/her the way he/she deserves to be loved.
If only it was that easy.
I'll never forget Christmas 2013. We did our first round of insemination and I was scheduled to take a pregnancy test on Christmas Eve at my parents house. I was so excited about it! Yes, excited about taking a pregnancy test on Christmas eve. Cute, right? It's so funny to look back to where my head was then. In my mind, I believed I was pregnant. I AM NOT joking.
I thought that ONE, damn, insemination would do the trick. Husband, bring on the pee stick! I'm ready to pee all over this shit!
I had even started to act pregnant. I was more emotional. I was soooo tired, I was actually taking naps. And I don't nap! My hooters were aching. And I thought for sure I had the "pregnancy glow". Jiminy Christmas, I was off my damn rocker!
We had already planned how we were going to surprise our family on Christmas with the BIG NEWS! Everyone gather around the fireplace, while I go pee on a stick for the big celebration!
I took the test. Minutes later, I started my period.
Merry F*cking Christ...Meh.
Santa, I hate you.
Yep, that was me. Angry. Depressed. Hateful.
In December 2014, we tried our first round of IVF and found out that none of my eggs fertilized.
What is it with the holidays?
If you struggle with infertility, you know as well as I do, that the holidays can really suck. It's like taking all of your negative, hormonal thoughts and injecting them with extra negative hormones.
What does that even mean????
What am I even saying??
Is it really to much to ask Old St. Nick to carefully shimmy a baby down the chimney and place it under the tree? I'm happy to leave plenty of cookies and milk on the kitchen table. Or, how about a nice glass of Cabernet? Or Fireball? Mad Dog 20/20? Talk to me Santy! I gotchu boo boo!
If you are experiencing infertility, or a pregnancy loss, etc. you are probably dreading the holidays.
You are mentally preparing for all of the potential "baby" scenarios.
Am I wrong?
Like, that beautiful pregnant cousin of yours, all glowy and shit. Why is she so damn perfect anyway? Great-grandma means well, but you know the "when are you having kids" question is coming. Bless her little heart. And the thought of all the little kids opening gifts and sharing special moments with their parents will having you running for the nearest bottle of vodka and box of tissues.
The anxiety is building, and it's moving fast. You feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode and vomit profanities all over the next baby mention that comes your way.
Bah hum bug.
Take it from me, I've been the "baby" Grinch for waaaaay too long. And, it ain't fun for nobody.
Are you really going to let a stupid little white stick (that you pee all over) get you down? When is the last time you let something you pee on ruin your life? Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?
I PEE ON YOU. YOU WILL NOT CONTROL MY EMOTIONS!
Are you actually going to let Aunt Flo, take away your holiday spirit? Who invited that bitch anyway?
Get a hold of yourself!
NO, you are NOT. Do you hear me? This year will be different. OKAY?
Even the Grinch who stole Christmas was able to let the anger go.
Let it GOOOO!!
Why? Because you have so much more to be thankful for. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful. You have people that love you. Accept that things are already GOOD ENOUGH in your life. Pray about it. Get on that Spiritual Journey, and ride!
I want you to keep something in mind this year. The two most powerful prayers are "Help" and "Thank You". Use these to get through the dreaded times ahead! Just make sure to balance them out. Give as many "thank you's" as you do "help me's". K?
Be honest with yourself and your emotions. Maybe you need to have a breakdown. So? Have it! A breakdown just means a break through is coming. Right?
When the next person asks you about your "baby making" tell them the truth. Why not? It will help your anxiety, I promise. AND, it will likely prevent them from asking you again. And again. And again...
Just start talking about it, what do you have to lose? Don't isolate yourself from the playful little kiddos running around laughing. Joy is happening right in front of you. Be a part of it!
Be your true self and celebrate this beautiful world we live in! Soak up all the love and celebration that comes with the holidays. I know I will be!
We recently got photos taken for our holiday cards and the theme was all about "celebrating". If you know us, you know we are all about our "themes". I let our photographer know our theme and she asked...
"So do you have some Big News to share?"
I said "NOPE, just celebrating life!"
"Husband, pick me up, throw me over your shoulder, hand me that bottle of champs, and let's make it f*cking rain!"
We like props.
Okay, I LIKE PROPS. He's just a really good sport.
And, so I leave you with this quote from my boo, Mr Grinch...
"What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."
Happy Holla-Days, y'all!