Last week, our doctor had been frantically trying to reach us for 3 days. Normally, she is fine just talking to one of us, but she was extra persistent about us both being on the call to discuss something.
It was hard for us to find time where we could both be on the call at the same time, but we finally made it happen on one lovely Sunday afternoon in the Home Depot parking lot. Obviously, we knew this was going to be a serious conversation; however, we also had a serious list of errands that day.
Now, typically I would have been a f*cking train wreck worrying about this call for those 3 days leading up. I would have lost sleep. I would have created all kinds of ridiculous bull-shit scenarios in my head. And I would probably have drank a lot. Okay, maybe I did one of the three, but not for stress reasons. For fun reasons. Duh!
But this time, I was calm. I don't know if we have just been through so much that nothing can shock us anymore, or if it's because of my new found peace in life. I'm pretty sure it was a combination of the two. I honestly, couldn't even believe myself.
Sure, I shed a few tears, but not for the reasons you are probably thinking. I'll explain later.
When we started down the route of using an egg donor, everyone made it sound like it was a shoe in. I remember our doctor saying our chances of success were around 90%. When you select an egg donor, you are basically saying, okay, lets just get pregnant already. You don't really consider that it won't work. It's, simple, you choose a young girl with a ton of healthy eggs, and then you get pregnant. It's a no brainer.
At the beginning of our call on Sunday, our doctor reminded us that the egg donor process is supposed to be easy. Okay, yep, got it doc. We know that.
She then said "it's not supposed to be this difficult". Yea, we know, it's been a rough start with this egg donor, but we thought the first try was a fluke. No?
The next thing she said was all she needed to say. She said...
"Well, Victoria, your egg donor really is a perfect match to you. She's exactly like you. She looks like you, she talks like you, she acts like you, but unfortunately, even her eggs are like you."
We knew exactly what that meant.
The doctor walked us through all her recent tests and visits. The results were truly remarkable. Her levels were high just like mine. And her egg count was extremely low, just like mine.
I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
She then said, "I have seriously never seen this happen Victoria. Her first visit she had over 20 eggs. However, as you know, infertility is an evolution and somewhere during the process things changed. She changed."
I immediately felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Deep, deep sadness. But this time, my sadness wasn't about me. I looked at my husband and I could tell immediately that he was sad for the same reasons as I was. My tears started to fall.
All I kept thinking was - this poor, sweet, young girl. At the age of 28 years old, she is now facing a real life game changer. My heart hurt for her. My connection with her was stronger than ever. I felt her pain like it was my own. And I don't even know her real name.
How can I help her? What can I do for her? I'll never get to meet her, but I want her to know we are thinking of her and praying for her. I don't want her to feel bad for us. It's not her fault, and she needs to know that. Meggan (or whatever your name is), we will be okay. Trust.
I plan on sending her a letter - anonymously via the agency. I wonder if you can find greeting cards with the title "F*ck You Infertility. Suck a Fat One." on the front. If there was, I'd have plenty of people to send it to that would enjoy getting that card. I know, I would.
My doctor had shared with me that after the first failed attempt Meggan was in tears because she felt like she let us down. I remember being really touched when she told me this. It meant so much to me that she cared that much about our family.
Now, I'm the one in tears because she has to face this shit. It's not fair Meggan, it's just not fair.
It's so wild to feel so strongly for someone you will never meet. I just can't explain it.
Our doctor reassured us that she would do everything she could to help Meggan and would encourage her to start thinking about her own family now. She still has a chance to freeze her eggs before it's too late. Who knows, maybe her boyfriend is "the one" and will want to start a family now!
Leave it to my optimistic husband to find the silver lining in all of this. After we hung up, he looked at me and said "Just think, if she hadn't been through this process she wouldn't have known this information for a long time. Now she is aware and can do something about it at a young age".
God love him.
So, what's next for us? We're back to the drawing board and on the search for a new donor. We're optimistic and hopeful that something good is coming our way. We're in no rush, and we know that our baby will decide when the time is right.
And I'm certain, it will be more than worth the wait.