For the last 4-5 nights I have been waking upin the middle of the night with fierce night sweats. The kind of sweats that soak your entire body and you feel like you can't f*cking breathe.
Sadly, my diagnosed condition "low ovarian reserve" has more side effects than just infertility. Doctors tell me that I will likely experience premature menopause. They predict I will enter the "pause" sometime in my early 40's, or possibly my "late 30's".
I'm 36. F*ck.
You can imagine how freaked I am!!!
On top of being f*cking infertile, now I will have to deal with THIS bullshit?
I AM NOT ready for this! I AM NOT ready for a dried up coot-coot and thinning hair!
I like my hair! (And my coot-coot for that matter)
Some poor women experience premature menopause in their twenties. Can you imagine?
Why does this happen to women?
Why do we "expire" at such an early age while men continue to refine?
Why do we expire at all for that matter? F*ck that.
WE are the ones that carry all the stress and pressures from mother nature to get married and have babies prior to our expiration date. Not men, they just coast through life on their own f*cking schedule. Yet, WE are the ones that have to carry and deliver the baby too.
Why can't we just kick ass at life for as long as we want to before deciding to settle down? Why can't we be responsible, work hard, be independent, start businesses, save money, travel the world, drink expensive champagne, and then decide to have a family when we are truly prepared?
Wouldn't we make better parents? Wouldn't our life experiences make us better? Wouldn't we raise better children?
We would have more life experiences to draw from. More wisdom to share with our children. And MORE fancy cocktails to drink on exotic islands.
And, aside from what mother nature tells us, we let society f*ck us too. Think about some of the names associated with older women. COUGAR, for example. Shouldn't these women be called Goddesses? They are strong, beautiful, sexy, successful, confident and usually have a shit ton of money. And we name them after a f*cking cat?
I HATE cats.
If we have to choose an animal, wouldn't a fox be slightly more appropriate?
SO WHAT if they like younger men. They are Goddesses. They should have their pick of the litter, right?
Let the foxy Goddesses be!
And ladies, just because you may not be a "Cougar" now, doesn't mean you should be calling other women Cougars. We all get older. We all age.
Let's not contribute to this f*cking nonsense.
Ok, where was I going with this?
Oh, yea, our expiration dates. The dreaded biological clock. The million dollar question... "How old is TOO old to have a baby?"
Is it too late? Am I too old?
Well, that's not for you to judge, now is it?
No, bitch, it ain't!
The right age to have a baby is a personal decision for each person.
Some 50 year old women are much healthier than some 30 year old women. And typically with age, comes wisdom, success, stability, education, and a stronger identity.
If a 40 year old woman is healthy, has her shit together and is ready to be a mom, let her be. If a woman finds her true love later in life and decides to take her time with a family, let her be. If a woman struggles for years to get pregnant and decides she needs a break, let her be.
And if I'm going to be using another woman's healthy eggs anyway, then isn't it my choice how old is "too old"?
F*ck yes it is.
And you aren't going to judge me for it.
Pregnancy test companies are also contributing to the pressure. In Britain, First Response, ran an ad campaign featuring this haggard, old pregnant woman to warn young women that their child bearing years are limited. The campaign was titled "Get Britain Fertile".
Can you believe this shit?
Why can't we leave these choices up to the women themselves? Let's empower women to do what's right for THEM.
Maybe I will wait a little longer. I have that luxury now. It is MY decision. It is MY life.
Don't tell me I'm selfish because I could die sooner than younger moms. Don't tell me it's not fair to my child. Bad things happen to people of all ages. There is no guarantee any of us live a long, healthy life. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, but that doesn't stop me from wanting what I want in life.
Don't tell me I'll be "more" tired or have "less" energy. What the f*ck does that even mean? I'm pretty sure newborns make everyone tired. Like, really, really f*cking tired.
I'm not an idiot.
I don't know what we will do next, but we have some time to figure that out. Not to mention, we have some more saving to do now that our last fertility wad was a bust.
When's the last time you spent over $40k for nothing but a bunch of pain and grief? I'm not exactly ready to write ANOTHER $40k check.
Not yet anyway.
I need a little break. I have some more hustlin' to do first. I've got an empire to build. I have some shit to invent. I've got some money to make.
Sure, I may not know what the future holds for me as a parent, but I do know one thing. When I FINALLY do become a mother, my child will have the strongest, most accomplished, self-assured, kick ass mom he/she could have.
You could basically call me mom goddess.
So, I guess the morale of this rant is "Girl Power". Sorry, I mean "F*CKING Girl Power"!
Let's encourage other women to be who they want to be - on their own time. Let's lift each other up. Let's support each other. Let's remind each other to ignore society pressures and judgements. Let's help each other invent ourselves and become good role models for our daughters, nieces, and granddaughters.
Instead of being jealous of your girlfriend's life, be happy for her. But, be just as happy for you! Okay, be happier for you. F*ck it. You create your own destiny. Own that shit!
Don't glare at the next pregnant woman you see, try smiling at her. She could probably use a smile from a stranger. I promise it will feel good. Smile because you are happy. Smile because you are strong. Smile because you are proud of who you are and the life you have. If you aren't happy with your life, smile because you are about to flip that shit upside down and conquer the world.
As the beautiful goddess, Lucille Ball, once said, "I'd rather regret the things I've done then regret the things I haven't done. "
So, let's do some shit ladies! Let's live life to it's f*cking fullest!
Oh, and for the record, there actually is a title for older men that date younger women now.
The term is Manther.
Yes, MANther. Google that shit. You're welcome.