I knew the day that we scheduled our first IVF transfer that I wanted to document the process.
I thought - how cool would that be to have photos of the day our baby was conceived? We would have photos to show our child one day!
My husband thought I was nuts, I remember him saying - "there's no way in hell the doctor will go for that, it's just weird Victoria."
I'm not saying we're going to get photos all up in my poon-tang, dear. We'll make sure the photographer gets angles from above the sheet. Just trust me on this. It's going to be magical!
I mean, think about it - people photograph and/or video the birth of babies all the time, and by default, the pregnant woman's "hoo-haw" is the star of the show, but nobody thinks that's weird. How is this really that different?
This is about the experience and the team of people that led us to our miracle baby. Who else can say they have photos of the day their child was conceived? In most cases that would be gross, but, in our case, it's fucking beautiful!
Husband, get on board with this, it's happening! (said with my best "I ain't fucking around" face)
He replied, "okay, sure" (with his "you are going to do it anyway, so I'll pretend to agree" face)
Fast forward to the day of our transfer, my fabulous photographer friend Jen Perez, was locked and loaded! We waited until that day to "ask for permission" because we didn't want to give the doctor too much time to think about it. We thought, how can he say no to a hot blonde with a fancy camera and a half naked chick with her legs in the air.
We were right! He was IN! Boom-shaka-laka! (slight head tilt toward husband - throw a slow, dramatic eye wink - send subliminal message - IN YO FAAAACE, PLAYER!)
However, the doctor did comment that he wished he had a heads up to make time for a haircut that week.
Don't worry doc, your hair looks great!
I had scheduled an acupuncture treatment pre and post, in the room where the transfer was taking place. This was a time for me to relax my mind, and prepare my uterus! We had to kick my husband out for this part, because we were only allowed to have 3 people in the room at a time (including myself).
I didn't know this, but on the day of your transfer, they give you a photo of the embryo they are transferring. HOLY SHIT!
That's my babayyyy!
THIS IS REAL!
Since we did genetic testing the doctor knew the gender prior to transferring; however, we chose not to know or to choose the gender. I'll get more into that in another post.
That photo hit me so fucking hard.
I couldn't stop staring at it, my fingers were clenched so tight I think my knuckles had turned white.
No one could take it out of my hands. NO ONE.
That photo was all I could hold onto in that moment. That's my baby in that photo.
The first baby I've ever been able to see.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
This was the first baby I could actually hold and touch.
The first baby I could feel near my belly.
It was truly magical.
Something happened inside of me that I can't exactly explain. Somehow, I had an undeniable physiological connection to our embryo. Am I crazy?
Did I just fall in love with a multi-cellular organism made in a petri dish?
Yea, I think I did.
But, I'm not the only one.
My husband did too.
He looked at that photo the way a father looks at his child for the first time. His face said everything. I could tell he was feeling exactly what I was feeling - THIS IS IT BABY DADDY.
This is our time. This is the baby we have been fighting for.
We held hands, closed our eyes and said our silent prayers.
I held his hand thinking about all that we have been through to get us to this day. The sadness, the pain, the grieving, the shots, the meds, the probing, the prodding, all of it. All that brought us to this day.
Here we are.
Holding hands, praying hard for this tiny little organism to grow and attach to my uterus and grow into a baby.
This is IT, my love. WE GOT THIS.
Now, let's put that baby in the damn oven and start baking already!
It's GO TIME!
In came the doctor and we got right to business.
Like my socks? Yea, they cute.
While the nurse prepped the embryo, the doctor pulled up our embryo on the TV screen and showed us a video of it MOVING!
I mean, I knew it was alive, but this shit was wild.
We stared in awe.
And...the embryo is ready doctor!
HERE WE GO!
The nurse oh-so carefully handed over the catheter with our embryo inside.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
As the transfer was happening the nurse pointed out on the ultrasound where the embryo was inside my uterus.
OMG, there is a baby inside of me! There it is, that tiny little white fleck. THAT'S MY BABY!
That day I vowed to protect that baby with everything I've got.
I may not "technically" be a mother yet, but in my heart I totally am. Even if I only get to carry this little embryo for a few weeks, I'm still a proud mother. I am holding on to this feeling for as long as I can, happy, hopeful and strong.
Because I am #strongasamother
And I've never been stronger.