The third trimester is rough, y'all. I'm not even gonna lie. I thought I had this pregnancy game on lock, until I hit around 30 weeks and all hell broke loose. First the the back pain, the aching feet, then the neck rolls, and it all went down hill from there.
My neck. My back. My neck and my back.
If you know the song I just referenced, that means not only are you old bitty like me, you are also ratchet AF. Can we please be friends? We could be gangsta soulmates, and need to talk!
I digress.
So, now, that I'm in the 36 week mark, shit is beyond out of control.
Truths about the Third Trimester
I have been diagnosed with pregnancy carpal tunnel, yep, it's a thing. I'm wearing two wrist braces as I type this with a ice pack near by to take breaks and rest my hands on. I've got enough fluid in my body to hydrate a small country, I've got Nutty Professor kankles and the bones in my feet are long gone. My vagina is also long gone, haven't seen her in months. I tried to give her a little touch up using a mirror, but ended up Edward Scissorhanding that shit something fierce. RIP coot coot. My eye sight has diminished significantly. I'm grinding my teeth every night and therefore have serious jaw pain. My neck glands are on swole. I also have pregnancy gingivitis in my front teeth. I've gained 45 pounds to date, and 4 of those pounds were just this week so therefore I'm basically just naked all the time. My breathing is similar to that of an English Bull dog, heavy, with full open mouth. I've officially moved into the guest bedroom with 9 pillows surrounding me like Fort Knox. You need a map and a secret password to get in. I pee every 30 minutes to an hour, so you can imagine how this looks getting in and out of Fort Knox in the middle of the night, in the dark, with no motor skills and my ass cheeks hanging out.
I struggle to wipe my own ass. It's really a big ordeal. Why? Because the "reach around" torso movement isn't quite what it used to be, my hemorrhoids are the size of peanut m&m's which are therefore difficult to navigate with a fat, bear claw of a hand with little to no feeling. Not exactly a winning combination.
This must be the pregnancy bliss I was told about. It's simply magical.
But, I wanted this right?
Fucking shoot me in the titty.
I'm not just riding the struggle bus y'all, I'm driving it. With fat feet, shitty eye sight, sitting on a pile of peanut m&ms, and I'm not wearing pants.
Who wants to go and take a ride wit me?
Hey, must be the money!
Am I complaining? NO, never! I desperately wanted to be pregnant! I struggled so long to get here, I have no right to complain!
Survey says "FUCK THAT NOISE".
Just because I wanted something badly, doesn't mean I don't have the right to complain. Kay? Growing a human in your womb is hard. It's scary and can be extremely hard on your body. I'm barely surviving at this point and have no reason to sugar coat anything. So, I ain't.
So, there you have it - the third trimester truth. The shit no one really tells you. There should be some sort of email that goes out when you hit 30 weeks that says "Hey girl, I hope you enjoyed sleeping, shitting and breathing easily, cuz that shit is over now. Brace yourself, third trimester is coming"
I had no idea it would be THIS hard. I had no idea I would no longer be wearing pants.
I came up with a list of things that have been helped me survive these last few months to help my fellow struggle bus riders. I know that every pregnancy is different and everyone has a different struggle, but this is mine, and I'm here to share the lovely details.
My Third Trimester Survival Checklist:
1. A Pillow Fort
If you bought one of those schnoogle pregnancy pillow things, you are probably going to want to throw that thing out the window at this point. I found that using a wedge pillow as the core of your fort, then built upon by other standard bed pillows was the best solution. Two stacked on each side of me, and then two under my legs.
2. Under the Bump Panties
You can either go to Target and buy some XL boy shorts, or you can actually buy the panties that have the dip in the front. They are super comfy and once you stop wearing pants or PJ bottoms, you will be glad you have these! This will be all you want to wear at home, and nothing else. Well, maybe a robe or big comfy t-shirt if you have a little dignity.
3. Comfy Open Toe Shoes
I know this sounds crazy, but I am only wearing Reef Flip flops at this point. They are the only thing I've found that will fit my swollen feet but also give me a good arch support. They help my feet and my back from aching.
4. Compression Socks
And this is where things get extra sexy. I got these Truform Compression Socks, so I can rock them with flip flops or sandals, but they have closed toe and also thigh high for extra compression. I notice a big difference in my swelling on days I don't wear them. I wake up in the morning and can't wait to put them on, they give my Nutty Professor kankles instant relief.
5. Belly Support Tank Top
I have tried multiple belly support bands for back pain, but honestly found that the Blanqi Support Tank helped much more. It's not cheap, but it's so worth it. I got it in white and black so that I always have one available to wear under things.
6. Memory foam slippers
I'm not saying you have to go full granny and buy some Isotoner's, I'm just saying, find some comfy "house shoes" that give your back and feet some relief. I know we all wanna be barefoot and pregnant, but that shit hurts.
7. Maternity Overalls
I LIVE in overalls, when I have to leave the house and actually put clothes on, they are the most comfortable thing I can wear, and still feel stylish. I found mine at Motherhood.com, and they are amazing!
8. Epsom Salt Baths
Taking baths or sitting in the pool is really the only time I feel like a normal human these days. I feel weightless and relaxed. Epsom salt baths during pregnancy help the body flush out toxins and pulls excess salts out of the body (reducing edema). Epsom salts can also help reduce inflammation, relieve constipation, soothe soft tissue aches, and support immune health.
9. Water Bottle With Straw
I know this probably sounds silly, but when you finally get to a comfy place and are constantly thirsty AF, the last thing you want to do is try to tilt your head back and take a sip from a regular water bottle or cup. Not to mention, if you get swollen hands, opening water bottles will become a real struggle. This is also something you will want when in labor, so invest in one now! I got this one from Target and won't leave home without it!
These are just my go-to essentials for survival the third trimester. I hope they help you get through it too! Growing bones and making eye balls can't be easy, but we still gotta try to find some comfort while riding the struggle bus, right?
Get on that bus, open all the windows, stick your head out, and mouth breathe in all of that fresh air. It's a short ride, but it's gonna feel like the longest ride of your life.
You got this girl! Kay, gotta go pee now. Byeeee.
