Infertile And Feeling Excluded From the "Mommys"

"Once you become a mom. Your whole identity changes."

A girlfriend said this to me the other day and I just about lost my shit.  

What do you mean your "WHOLE" identity?  That's horse shit.  Why the f*ck would I want to change my WHOLE identity? Why would I want to be someone completely different?

Well, I don't. Damn it.

And I won't. Damn it.

Why do some mom's make you feel inferior for not being a mom?  

I certainly don't want to be one of those mom - bizatches. Saying things like...

"you don't understand because you aren't a mom"

"it's a mom thing".  

Or, my favorite...

"Now that I have children, my life has meaning"

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot that you are so much f*cking better than me because you have an offspring.  Should I address you as Madame Mom from now on?  Give me a f*cking break.

And then there are people like my mom.  Badass, confident, alpha-female, stylish, get drunk when she wants to, says what she wants to, kind of mom.  Yea, that's more up my ally.

F*ck mom jeans.

We all know know what I'm talking about, right?  When women become moms and then just seem to disappear from our lives.  Where do they go? What happens to them?

Do they just never leave the house?  Do they get eaten by their baby?  Seriously. Where the f*ck do they go?

Where did my friend go? Is she still in there?  Or, did her WHOLE identity change?

Just like that. Vanished. Poof. Gone. Bye. Sometime for just a few months (which is totally understandable). Sometimes for years. Sometimes forever. 

You go from talking to your "childless" friend every week to rarely speaking anymore.  When you do finally connect, she has a new vocabulary and talks weird. (BTW, what the hell is a "mommy" group ?). 

Suddenly, she doesn't have the same common interests as you anymore.  

It becomes harder and harder to relate. It's a struggle to connect on anything.  I mean ANYTHING. She's moved on from you and joined forces with the other "mommy's".

You aren't relevant anymore because you aren't a mother.

She says things like "Wait until your a mom, you'll understand."

Bitch, all is do is wait! 

The girl who once held your hair while you puked in the bar bathroom is now scolding you for using curse words.

Well F*ck me.

Have you lost her to "Mommy" groups forever?  It feels like you're being segregated against because you're not a mom.  

It is clear that I am NOT "one of them". 

Infertile and feeling excluded from the mommys

F*ck it. I will find someone else to hold my hair.

But, why does it matter if I have children or not?

I'm still friends with people that aren't infertile. I'm still friends with people that aren't married. And the hardest one of all, I'm still friends that don't play beer pong anymore. 

Why do some women disappear and get eaten by their babies, but not others?  What exactly happens to them that changes them so drastically after the baby is born?

I honestly have no idea. Remember, I'm not a mom. I couldn't possibly understand.

They get pregnant. They have the baby. Boom. World changed.

My guess that it's some sort of biological stuff happens that no one can see coming. That "mother-baby" bond that exists all across the animal kingdom.  That natural feeling to protect and provide for your offspring at all costs.  That all-consuming love that makes your whole world stop.   A love so strong it changes you and makes you question your real purpose in life.

Suddenly, their job doesn't matter. Their hobbies and creative passions don't matter.  Their social life doesn't matter. And sometimes, their spouse doesn't matter.

Could this happen to me? It's not like women plan for this to happen. 

If your sole reason for being on this earth is to be a mother, what the hell are you supposed to do when your baby bird flies the nest?  Have another baby? And then another? And then another? 

Think about it.

Lucky for me, I've had  YEARS to think about it.  I've spent a great deal of time contemplating motherhood.  I'm ready for this shit to hit me.  I'm holding on to all the "Victoria" parts tightly.  And equally important, I'm holding on to my husband just as tightly.

I want my child to see who I really am. I want her to know what I stand for.  I want her to see how much I love her dad and how much I love myself.  I want her to know how good I am at beer pong.

I know one thing - I will not succumb to "mommy" ridiculous lingo.  You will never hear the words "Mompreneur" out of my mouth. WTF?

I don't refer to myself as a "Wifepreneur". Do I?  

I don't get it. Why do mom's get to make up their own words and people just seem to be okay with it? 

I shall call myself "Partypreneur"

Infertile and feeling excluded from the mommys

Just like anything in life, parenting can be part of who you are. Not your "whole" identity. Right?  

Sure, I want to be a parent.  But, not at the sake of becoming "one of them" and segregating from everyone else.  I want to be ME. Damn it. I want to have mom friends, non-mom friends, single friends, gay friends, hipster friends, fancy friends, etc. 

As adolescents, we focus so hard on finding our identity. We are taught to stand up for ourselves, even when we don't know exactly who we are yet.  Once we find it, we own it.  We fight for it. We kill for it.

But what is identity really?  

Wikipedia says it's a "set of characteristics by which a person is known".

So, your identity can change over time, right? And of course, you can have multiple identities too, right?

Of course!

For example, some of you may identify me today as being "infertile".  I don't blame you. It is part of my identity.  It is who I am today. But it is certainly not my WHOLE identity.  

Some of our characteristics are given to us and some of them are by choice.  We are even born with some.  But each and every characteristic makes us who we are.  These characteristics (good or bad) give us our “identity”.  These characteristics (given or chosen) are how we are “known”. 

However you got here today.  Embrace it.  Own it. Fight for it.  

It's who you are. Take those selfies girl.

If you can't see something beautiful in the mirror, get a new f*cking mirror. 

Or make some changes.  Be the person you want to be.  Be the person you want to represent.  Be the person you want to be known as. Don’t be afraid of doing what you want or being who you want to be.

Just remember that our differences unite us.  

It's okay to be a part of "mommy" groups.  It's okay to be a part of "infertility" groups.  It's okay to seek commonality and community to get you through whatever tough time you are going through.  Just don't lose the other parts of who you are along the way.  Don't segregate your friends because they aren't on your same path.  Seek to understand their path.  Don't judge them because they are going a different direction.  Don't make them feel bad for the life they are living. Learn from each other. Embrace one another.

I promise you, you will need them later.

I don't pretend to understand how hard it must be to be a mother.  I'm sure some of you are shaking your head at me right now.  You're thinking, "She has no idea.  Just wait until it happens to her. (insert evil laugh)"

But if you know me, I'm flipping you the bird right back. 

Bring it on bitches.

As women with strong identities- our children are destined to change the world. Right?

Now that's something worth fighting for.