I don't want your advice. Or your baby.
I'm sorry, I don't remember asking you about my sex life, my diet, my drinking habits, my vitamin intake, my work ethic or the high level of stress I consistently carry.
Oh, that's because I f*cking didn't.
I also don't remember you telling me about your degree in fertility and experience with helping other couples get pregnant. Remind me again where you went to school?
Oh, that's right. You didn't.
And, somehow I just can't seem to recall how your personal experiences with child bearing are EXACTLY what I'm going through?
Your opinions don't concern me. Your advice isn't anything new. You don't have the magical answers. You don't have the power to fix me. You don't know my problems. And, OH, you don't know what the F*CK you are talking about. So, lock it up.
LOCK. YOUR. SHIT. UP.
I didn't ask you for your advice. I didn't ask you for your opinion.
Just because someone decides to share their problems with you, doesn't mean they think you are their therapist. It doesn't mean they are asking for a medical diagnosis. It just means they want to share. Do you hear me Cathy?
They want you to LISTEN!!!!!
It's NOT our job to fix someone else's problems. It's NOT our place to judge others for the path they choose. And it's certainly NOT our place to tell others how they should or shouldn't feel.
From, "If you'd stop worrying about it so much, you'd get pregnant" to "Just stay positive and it will happen" to "You really should try acupuncture, it worked for my friend" to "You really should be careful with IVF because chances are you'll have twins." or "You need to get your thyroid checked" or "My friend drank this all natural, wheat grass, organic, carrot, sweet potato juice thing and that worked for her." to the most uplifting advice of all "Maybe you should have started sooner in life, why don't you just adopt?". I've HEARD it all.
To "de-stress" I practice yoga and meditate. I get acupuncture once a week. I take 20 pills of Chinese herbs daily. I've given up caffeine, dairy and red meat. I eat yams every single f*cking day. I drink warm drinks and wear socks every day (it's good for the uterus apparently). I stand on my head for 45 f*cking minutes after intercourse, even though people say you only need 20 minutes. I've tried fertility cleanses. I've even consulted with a damn psychic. I think the only crazy thing I haven't tried is Robitussin. That's where I draw the line. F*cking Tussin.
Oh, and your concern for me having twins. Really? I'd take four f*cking babies if that's what I was blessed with.
I could go on. And on. And on. I've HEARD it all. I've TRIED it all.
We even considered an actual Turkey Baster. YOLO!
People love to force their advice on you, and it's so f*cking annoying. And hurtful.
I have to constantly remind myself that people aren't trying to hurt me, they're just oblivious. Or dense. Or just f*cking stupid. A friend gave me a mind trick that really seems to work for me. She said, whenever someone triggers you with their comments, always remember that they are doing the best they can. Never assume they are trying to hurt you. Assume ignorance. They are just doing their very best in that current situation. It will immediately diffuse any hurt or anger that boils up. You no longer feel like you are being attacked.
Now when the next trifling bitch comes at me with her "You really should just adopt, and then you'll get pregnant" horseshit, I just smile and think to myself. "She's just doing the best she can. Bless her heart". And when I say "Bless Her Heart" what I really mean is.... Um... Well... You know.
I'm not an idiot. I know I'm 35 years old, and probably should have started trying earlier. I know I work too much. I know I don't relax much. I am well aware of my unhealthy Taco Bell obsession. And I KNOW that I like wine. Okay fine. I LOVE wine. And champagne. And beer. And vodka. You catch my drift.
But guess what? It's my f*cking life. And I LOVE my life.
I've accomplished a lot at the age of 35, and wouldn't change a thing. I work really, really hard so that one day I don't have to anymore. We all have guilty pleasures, and fast food is one of mine. Don't worry, I take my vitamins, I get the nutrition I need, but I indulge when I feel like it. Hate me for it. I don't give a f*ck. I'll just smile and enjoy my delicious Mexican Pizza (hold the dairy), while you eat your dry ass kale salad. Blah.
Why is any of this your business? It's not!!
Why is our initial reaction to give unsolicited advice and end up hurting the people we love?
I think there are many reasons.
One, we want to make people feel better. We want to ease their pain. We think we can help. We think we know what to say. Well, guess what? We DON'T know what to say. We aren't going through it, they are!
Two, we don't know what else to say. We are trying to be nice and friendly. As opposed to saying nothing, we end up saying something stupid instead.
A friend of mine actually said "Don't worry, you can just borrow my baby whenever you want".
Three, some of us are just narcissist. We like to hear ourselves talk. We think we know it ALL. We will go on and on about the "right" thing to do. We all know "those" people.
Whatever the reason is, I can GUARANTEE you, that NONE of these reasons are good enough. Nope. Nada.
So, instead of vomiting insensitive bullshit all over your poor friend, try to VALIDATE her feelings. Help your friend work through her feelings. Validation is really all we are seeking. Right? We don't expect you to solve our problems. We just want to know it's okay for us to feel the way we do. And we want to be understood.
Vanilla Ice has it mastered, so why can't we?
I recently declined a baby shower invite. The response I got was simple, yet so validating. She said, "I totally understand. You don't even need to explain yourself. Don't even think about putting yourself through the torture of buying me a gift. After I have the baby, just buy me a drink and we'll get drunk together."
The voice of an Angel, right? What a relief. She listened to me. She validated me.
Okay, so y'all know from my prior posts, that I used to be that asshole. I too have given my share of unsolicited advice. We're all guilty of it. It's our natural reaction to jump in and try to help. I'm a problem solver, it's what I do. I want to help. I want to fix. I want to save the f*cking manatees!!
Well, I'm changing my ways. One might say that I'm "Back With a Brand New Invention".
I'm training myself to LOCK IT UP. To listen first, then ask questions. And Validate. Validate. Validate. I have literally bitten my tongue to stop the ridiculous advice from coming out of my mouth. And I always thank myself later. I'm extra mindful around the ones closest to me. I know that my words hurt them more then they would an acquaintance.
How's that for progress?
I have decided that my downfalls and struggles are a blessing. I am becoming a better person. I am learning how to be a better friend. I am stronger. I am better.
I've learned that setbacks in life make us think about how we view the world. They make us think about how we treat people. They teach us WHO we really are.
I'll leave you with this quote I found recently...
"Don't let it BREAK you. Let it MAKE you."