I'm Letting Go of my Broken Eggs. I'm done.
Can I just be Captain Obvious for a hot second and remind everyone that this "blog" thing I'm writing isn't the gospel? It's not Wiki-f*cking-pedia. It ain't CNN. And it has nothing to do with anything or anyone other than ME. So don't get your panties all in a bunch about MY shit. OKAY?
If you don't like or agree with what I write. Don't read it. I don't give a FUUUUUCK.
Go drink that Haterade, I know you are REAL thirsty. Keep on sippin that drank gurl.
And get your six pack of Weinekens ready, there's more coming. Sip. Sip.
(Insert long drawn out eye roll followed by a really dramatic "Duh".)
You non-haters may be asking yourselves why I'm coming in hot waving my hair back and forth, sucking my teeth, acting all cray. Well, apparently my last post about losing your motherhood to identity ruffled a few feathers. #sorrynotsorry.
Those were my thoughts. Based on my feelings. Based on my experiences. All real.
MY shit. Not Yours. Period.
I warned y'all in the beginning that we would be putting it all out there, unfiltered, and in our voices. Remember..."Expecting Anything"?
I feel like I need a damn "thug life" video to really get my point across. Don't tempt me. Really. I love a good "thug life" video.
I mean, the whole point in me writing this blog was to tell MY story and to help others feel less alone. I'm not a heartless bitch. I promise. I actually care a lot about other people. Even the haters. I got nothin' but love for ya. I know that you are probably going through your own shit, which is why you are hating on me. And, that's okay. Seriously, I can handle it. I've got thick skin. Throw stones. If that's what makes you feel better, do what you gotta do. I gotchu boo.
For those of you that constantly show me love, THANK YOU! Thanks for being open minded and not judging me. Thanks for reaching out to tell me I touched you in some way, or just to show your support. Every little note means the WORLD to me. I save them all. Serious. You are the reason I keep writing.
Okay, back to me. (I mean, this is what this blog is about. Remember?)
Where do I start?
Okay, here it goes.
We (me and my husband) are at a pretty serious crossroad in life right now. We are tired of fighting for something so unattainable. We are ready to move on to the "next" step in this process. We are willing to accept that maybe some things just aren't "meant to be". Ugh, I hate that I'm even using that saying. Someone f*cking slap me.
We've been grieving. And grieving. And grieving. And we are finally accepting that it's GONE.
We are accepting that it's just not in the cards for me to be someone's biological mother.
This shit is rough. Really f*cking rough.
I never thought I would give up. I have been so damn determined. Quitting was never an option. I have done everything I possibly can. But unfortunately there isn't anything I can do.
It's out of my control. (imagine that)
I am one of the lucky ones to have been diagnosed with Endometriosis.
It is an awful disease that eats away at your insides. Mainly your female parts. Your intestines. Sometimes even your brain. It's the f*cking pits.
I have really painful periods that last 10-14 days since I can remember. I often need heavy narcotics (or alcohol) to get through the pain. I pass extremely painful blood cots every month. For those of you not so good at math, 14 days is half the month. I have been bleeding for half of my life. I'm a living, breathing crime scene.
The only major option for relief is a hysterectomy. Bummer, right? Oh, and to treat any of the symptoms there are really only two options. Birth Control or Pregnancy. You can see the pickle I'm in right?
(extra long sigh)
This awful disease has eaten away at my eggs. I have very few eggs left, and the ones left are just pitiful. I've tried all the hormones and stimulation drugs in the world to try to grow more eggs. And still the same sad, sad eggs.
I've had this disease for a very long time and didn't know it.
Doctors would say "this is just how you are made up". For years, my eggs have been exposed to the toxic environment created by all the endometrial tissue running rampant in my pelvic cavity. Since high school maybe. The damage is real. The damage has been done.
Get this... Endometriosis is called the "Career Woman's Disease" because most women get diagnosed in their 30's when they are at the peak of their career. Such bullshit. Women, like me, don't find out until their 30's because that's when they are trying to get pregnant. They've been living with the disease much longer. Why aren't doctors diagnosing earlier? It's really f*cking sad. There really needs to be more education around this shit.
Doctors have told me that my time is running up. We need to hurry. They say there is still at least a 1-5% chance I could get pregnant with my own eggs. I'm all for taking risks, but that's just f*cking dumb. Would you bet on those odds?
Nope. That ship has sailed.
Endometriosis doesn't have to mean you are infertile.
Unfortunately, in my case it does, but not all cases. If you have any of the symptoms I mentioned PLEASE go get checked. Don't wait like I did. Share this with your girlfriends. Look out for each other. Don't let this disease ruin your insides.
F*CK YOU ENDOMETRIOSIS!
I'm done with the countless trips to the store every month to buy the "Trifecta" package. Hoping for the best but assuming the worst. Imagine the clerk's face as she observes my purchases at checkout.
Tampons. Check. Pregnancy Test. Check. Wine. Check
F*CK YOU ENDOMETRIOSIS!
You took away my God given right. You crushed my femininity. You sucker punched my womanhood.
Crack whores have healthy babies who don't want them all the time. Teenage girls abort babies left and right. Broken marriages sometimes have 8-10 children. WHY???
Why ME God? Why HER? Not ME?
If crack whores can get pregnant, why am I cursed? I think I would be a good mother. Do you know something I don't know? I know I would try my damn-dest. I'd never take the gift of a child for granted God. That I promise.
That's okay. I get it. I'll find another way. Watch me.
It's not going to be easy. Lord I know that. Life isn't supposed to be easy though, right? I've been blessed in my life in so many ways. I know that. Life has been good to me. There are worse things that could happen to me, I always keep that in perspective. We all have our things in life that kick us in the gut. This is my "thing". And I can handle it.
I'm still blessed. Very blessed.
I'm okay. I can handle it.
I'll leave you with this quote...
"You'll never get what you truly deserve if you remain attached to what you're supposed to let go of."
So, this is me letting go of my broken eggs.
It took a lot of kicking and screaming and crying my eyes out to get to this point. And I can't say I am passed the sadness. But I do feel a smile creeping in. It's time for us to explore other avenues to becoming parents.
It's due time.
It's time to move on. And I'm certainly not going to let broken eggs stand in my way.