infertility on Mother's Day sucks.
I've been staring at my computer screen for weeks and weeks. I have had plenty of ideas and topics to write about, but I haven't been able to finish one of them. It's like I don't care as much as I normally do. I haven't been fired up about anything the way I usually am.
What the f*ck is wrong with me?
Ever since we decided to take our break from fertility treatments, I've been less "in" it. I have to say, it's been good for my soul. My heart. My body. My bank account. My relationship. You name it.
I needed a break. Desperately.
But this week has been different. An old energy has crept back in. My anxiety has been through the roof. My unpredictable tears are back. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I've lost my damn mind!!!
Why am I back to this place?
I was on a f*cking BREAK!!
I guess I was in denial about how I would feel this time of year. I thought I was ready for it. I am stronger now! I am more resilient! I can handle things I couldn't before!
But none of that seems to matter on this one particular day of the year. In general, holidays are always pretty tough for the infertile, but this ONE particular holiday rules our f*cking world.
Yep, Mother's Day. A swift kick to the infertile nut sack.
Let me explain...
I've received at least three different Mother's day marketing flyers in the mail. Twelve different emails asking me things like "How will your children make your Mother's Day perfect this year?" I've gotten automated text messages reminding me to come in for my free Mother's Day coffee. Mistakenly watched a fair share of cheesy"Hallmark" commercials in between DVR fast forwarding, and NOW there is even a movie called Mother's Day.
HELP ME I'm infertile!!
So yea, Mother's Day can be really shitty for some of us. Lot's of us, actually.
It's shitty for the woman that desperately wants to be a mother, but can't. Or the single woman who wants to be a mom but feels like time is passing her by. Or the woman that lost her mother, and will be spending Mother's day at her grave site. And what about the mother that has lost a child, and will be grieving all day even if her living children are there to spend it with her?
It's not all about f*cking flowers, brunches and breakfast in bed.
Nope. It ain't.
Two years ago, I was out to lunch with my in-laws on Mother's Day, and my 4 year old niece was sitting in my lap. After we finished eating, the waitress came over and brought me a pretty flower and wished me a Happy Mother's Day.
I'm sorry, what?
I was speechless. I literally could NOT speak. What the f*ck was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to correct her? Was I supposed to let her know I was her aunt and not her mom? I looked over at my in-laws. I looked at my husband. Was anyone going to say something? Help a sista out Nino's!!!
Nope. They were all just smiling at me, not saying a f*cking word.
Are we all really just going to go along with this? OMG!
Someone say something!!!! For the love!!
Okay FINE. I'll handle this shit. It's what I do.
I managed to force a smile. I took the damn flower, despite the tears in my eyes and the growing anxiety, and said "thank you, I appreciate that".
OMG. Did I really just do that?
I felt like such a phony! I was living a "Mother's Day moment" and it was all fake. Why did that waitress do that to me? Damn her!
But what about my niece? That wasn't fair to her either. Did we all just make her a part of this lie too? Why didn't SHE correct the woman? I thought for sure she would be the one to blurt out "but, she's not my mommy!" or even worse "she's not a mommy!". But NOPE. She played the game too. I looked down at her for her reaction, wondering what she was even thinking. She looked up at me, smiled really big, hugged me as tight as she could, and whispered in my ear "I love you".
I love that little girl. At such a young age, she was able to be so incredibly intuitive. She knew exactly what I needed, despite what she may have needed. Or what she thought was right.
Wow, just wow.
Is this what it feels like to be a mother on Mother's Day? Random people showing you love? Family showing you appreciation? Children putting your feelings before theirs?
Sounds pretty f*cking nice.
But what about the rest of us? The childless? The motherless? The infertile?
Please don't forget US on Mother's Day. We are important too.
Someone once told me that being infertile on Mother's Day was like being single on Valentine's Day. We've all been there, right? Sad, depressed, angry, jealous. You see the happy, lovey-dovey photos plastered on Facebook ALL DAY. You can't go anywhere that day/night without seeing people swooning over each other and committing embarrassing amounts of PDA. You are reminded everywhere you go, that you are single and lonely. WAH!
I've been there, for sure. We all have! But the good news is that there are always other single friends ready to rally with you and make the most of it.
I remember the days when us single gals would just go get shit faced, dance our faces off and make out with random guys. Or, we'd order pizza in sweatpants, throw back several bottles of wine and give each other Non-Valentine's gifts. Regardless, we crushed it on V-Day. Hell, there is even a name for this type of thing now. "Gal-entine's Day". #galsbeforevows #ovariesbeforebrovaries
Why didn't I think of this shit? God bless.
But, Valentine's Day is a little different than Mother's Day. Right?
We don't call up our other non-mother friends, go get shit faced together and find random babies to make out with. We don't buy each other Non-Mother's Day gifts as a joke. And we definitely don't have a cool hashtag or holiday theme.
Come on Hallmark! Figure that shit out!
Everywhere you go, mothers are encouraged and loved on and WE are reminded of the joys of motherhood that we might not ever experience. It leaves us feeling even worse about our shitty situation - more isolated, more sad and more f*cked.
Mother's day is our most dreaded day. It's by far our hardest day of the year.
PLEASE don't forget us on Mother's Day.
Remember the women that are mourning on this day. Not just the ones celebrating.
We won't be getting breakfast in bed, or beautiful flowers, or hand written cards that say "I love you mom". We will be mourning.
Of course, we will be celebrating too.
I'll be celebrating my amazing mother, grandmother, sister who is a mother, my mother-in-law and my friends that are mothers on Mother's Day. But, please note, I will be equally celebrating the lives of the rest of us. I hope that you can do the same.
Children or no children. We are all equal.
Here is my request to you. On Sunday, when you go to church (or wherever you go) and all the mothers are asked to stand up in appreciation, show your respects to them. But please take a moment and look around at the women still seated. Smile at them and acknowledge them too.
Please don't forget us on Mother's Day.