I am grateful for infertility.
Yep, I said it. And no, I'm not drunk.
Hear me out...
With infertility, everyday is a new battle. A battle against yourself. A battle to stay strong and positive, when all you want to do is cry.
It's very easy to dwell on how unfair and hard it is. Sometimes we need to sit in the muck and be angry, sad and negative to cope.
Y'all know I sure have. I lived in the damn muck.
But, at some point, enough is enough. Right? We can't be sad and angry forever. Eventually, we need to find the "good" to carry on. We NEED to find happiness. We need to find 'it" because a positive perspective is good for the soul. We need to find "it" because we deserve to be happy.
We need to find it because being sad all the time f*cking sucks.
"They say" there is a way to find the "good" in any shitty situation. We just have to find "it". We have to want to find "it". We have to look very hard for "it".
"It" being the "silver lining".
Finding the silver lining takes time. A long f*cking time.
You can't force it. Only YOU will know when you are ready to find it. And I'm not saying it takes away the pain. I'm just saying that a positive perspective can help ease the pain. I didn't think I would ever find it. I honestly didn't think there was a "silver lining" to infertility.
I had absolutely no idea.
But NOW I do. Now, I can see the "good" in infertility. Now,
I can see that infertility has taught me some very valuable life lessons and ultimately made me a better person.
I have learned to be more grateful.
No one's life is perfect - thanks Facebook for making us think otherwise. The truth is, we ALL have a story. We ALL have curveballs that are thrown at us. But, at some point we have to learn how to hit them. Infertility is my curveball, and I've accepted this. Infertility curveballs smack me in the gut and are thrown at my face on the daily - FAST AND HARD!
And, no one likes balls to the face - fast OR hard.
Or at all for that matter.
(Sorry, I like jokes about balls. Balls are funny.)
The infertility curveballs continue to knock me down, over and over again. Year after year.
They Never. F*cking. Stop.
But guess what?
I'm learning to hit bitches! And that's a big deal for someone who swings like a girl.
And curveballs are hard to hit!
NOW, I'm crushin' balls out of the damn park.
Yep, crushin' balls.
Balls. Balls. Balls. Balls.
I've learned that if this is the only curveball I'm thrown in life, I'd consider myself pretty damn lucky. I have SO much other stuff in my life to be grateful for. I get to wake up every morning to my peacefully sleeping (loudly snoring), healthy husband. I am woken by two little stanky breath dogs, licking my face, and occasionally humping the bed that I am sleeping in. I have a family that supports and loves me, no matter what path I take in life. And I have the best, badass, strong women you could ask for as friends.
I am grateful for infertility.
Yea, I said it.
Don't get me wrong, I still allow myself to feel sad and sorry for myself when I need to, that's part of learning to hit these damn balls. I'm just not going to give up on living life to the fullest because of it.
I have learned NEVER to judge ANYONE for ANYTHING.
You never know someone else's story, just like no one knew mine for so long. Why should I judge someone else's choices or behavior? I used to be the asshole that would say things like "OMG, I would NEVER do that!" or "I can't believe they would do that". Now, I just pause and think - there is a reason for everything. And it's none of my business. We are so quick to judge in this world, but infertility has taught me that there's always something more to the story. We are all going through life carrying some sort of burden or heartache. Can't we all just realize that? The world would be a much more beautiful and compassionate place if we could.
I am grateful that infertility has taught me this.
I have learned that not everyone will get it. And that's okay.
I used to beat myself up when someone wouldn't understand my story. I felt like I desperately needed them to understand me. I needed them to "get it". I needed them to "get me". I needed their approval, badly.
I could have held in all my emotions and pain and suffered in silence. No one would have known but me. I could have kept my feelings and f-bombs to myself, and foregone publishing this blog. I would have a few more friends on my "friend list" had I done this. Sigh.
But, truthfully, there are always going to be people that don't "get it". No matter what I do or say. And why should I let that stop me? This is my life, it's not for them to get. Right? So many people rob themselves of living life the way they want to because they are afraid of what others will think.
Well, that's horse shit.
Be proud of who you are and what you stand for. You are the only YOU. We don't get a second chance on life. This is IT! Make this life count, and count big!
It's OKAY to live a life others don't understand.
Move on from the people that don't get it. This is YOUR LIFE! Not theirs.
Or when in doubt, just ask yourself... "What would Beyonce do?
She always has the answer.
I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.
Infertility has tested my strength to unimaginable depths. I have wanted to give up so many times. I have wanted to quit it ALL. The needles, the pills, the probing and prodding at my body, the constant doctors visits. The procedures. The surgeries. The egg donors. I constantly ask - is it all worth it? The financial stress? The marital stress? The stress it has placed on friends and family?
My strength is constantly tested. Over and over again.
I constantly think - I just can't do this anymore.
But somehow, I do. Somehow, I can.
I used to think infertility made me less of a woman. I felt un-sexy. I felt inadequate. I felt like a failure. I would look at myself in the mirror and cry. And cry. And cry. I would look at my injection bruises and surgery scars and feel shame. I was embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't "enough".
But, now I see someone different. I see a new version of me. I see someone with guts and tenacity. I see a woman who has survived tragedy and become stronger from it. I see someone who is more of a woman because of what I have overcome, and continue to overcome.
You could say, I'm channeling my inner Beyonce.
I consider myself lucky to have a new perspective on life. I have a new perspective on people. I am able to empathize with others in a way I never could before. I am able to understand people I wouldn't have understood before. Even the ones that don't understand me.
How else would I have learned this?
I am proud of who I have become. Infertility has changed me. Infertility is a part of me. I can do ANYTHING now!
I even wrote a book about all that I have learned to help others survive!
If I had balls, they'd be HUGE! (Okay, last one. Sorry!)
You get what I'm saying.
And lastly, my most favorite lesson...
I have learned to love my husband in an entirely different way.
Marriage is hard, there is no question. We've certainly had our struggles. Trust. I'll be the first to admit that there are plenty of times I could have been a better partner. I could have tried harder. There are definitely times when I should have put him first.
Putting your partner before yourself, is the key to a successful marriage, right? We all have needs, and we want them filled. And sometimes we forget that our partner has needs too. We are all guilty of this, right?
But when infertility crept in on us, it wasn't about "me" or "him" anymore, it was about "us". He could have easily dumped me on my ass to go find another "fertile" woman, but instead, he never left my side. He attends EVERY doctor appointment with me, even the pointless ones. I tell him he doesn't need to come, but he pushes me out of the way and hops in the car. As much as he hates to stick me with needles, he does it so that I don't have to do it myself. He has NEVER made me feel this was my fault, or that I was in this alone. He's the kind of guy you want by your side when going through something difficult. He's calm. He's patient. He's loving. He's humble. He makes you feel safe.
He would be an incredible father.
People say that you don't truly know a person until you have experienced a hardship together. And I stand by this. I have learned things about him that I might not have learned otherwise.
I have fallen in love with him all over again, but in a deeper more intense way. He has by back in a way I can't explain. I trust him in a way I never thought possible. Our relationship has been tested, and we are better and stronger because of it.
Thank you, infertility.
I guess if I'm stuck with you, I should probably learn to love you.
You aren't so bad after all.