The Oxford Dictionary describes intuition as
“the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning; a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.”
I'm one of those people that has a very, VERY strong intuition. Sick to my stomach, kind of intuition. When my gut senses something, this crazy energy takes over my entire body and won't let me ignore it. My stomach aches. My palms sweats. My heart pounds. I get short of breath.
Psychic's have told me that my intuition is a "unique and special gift". (my husband is rolling his eyes as he reads this sentence)
I'm very quick to react and move on something if my gut tells me too. Someone looking in might think that I'm irrational about the decisions I make. I know my accountant does! And... so does my husband.
I can't always explain why I do what I do. If I feel it, I do it! No questions asked.
I depend on my intuition for EVERYTHING - career, relationships, business decisions and for navigating through life.
For example, I had this great idea of opening a second location of our business (2 hours south of where we live) within a year of opening the first location, all while I'm working a full time job (2 hours north of where we live). I damn near gave my husband a heart attack.
Well, actually... Yes, yes it was.
I'm proud to say that we are already turning a profit! Boom!
If you follow numerology, I'm a #44.
It is believed that the #44 is an old soul who has undergone a few or more incarnations and has thus developed a highly developed intuition. The number 44 is one of the rarest vibrations of all, and is identified as having inner strength and high resistance to physical and mental health and is not afraid of adventures and challenges.
To put it simply - I am bold, and have no problem taking major risks.
Look, I'm not saying I'm a motha-f*cking gypsy, I'm just saying, I've got good instincts. Intuition is my superpower.
I am sharing all of this because, throughout this whole "baby-making" journey, my intuition is basically non-existent.
I've talked to a couple of psychics and they seem to struggle with this particular vision also. WTF is that all about? I told y'all how one of them said our baby was watching over us waiting until we are ready for him, but I'm starting to think she told me that because she didn't see him ever coming down and didn't have the heart to tell me. And the last psychic I talked to a couple of months ago said, "if you really want a baby, it will happen, but you have to work very, very hard at it. And you MUST use an egg donor." Well, thanks. Thanks for nothin'.
Been there, done that.
(Sorry, I'm really into this psychic thing lately. Don't hate.)
I've started to consider that children might not be in our future.
Can you blame me? I'm not saying I'm okay with this consideration. But, honestly, lately some days I am. When my friends tell me how hard it is to be a parent, or how tired they are, or how their life is over, or how hard it is on their marriage, I think, hmmmm, maybe I could be okay without children. I've literally had moms whisper in my ear "don't do it!"
I see the beaten down, tired, lonely moms in line at Target being pulled and tugged on by their children who are screaming and losing their f*cking minds about a particular candy they can't live without. I give her a smile to let her know its okay, that I'm sorry she's having a bad day, and that I feel for her. She tries to smile back as she looks down at my basket of wine, mascara, sour patch kids and ovulating kit, clearly thinking "Bitch, don't even".
Could I handle that life? Honestly, I don't know.
And then other days, I see happy, loving families enjoying a beautiful day at the beach. I see the way my closest friends and family interact with their babies with such love and kindness. I see the silly moments they share together that only a mother could understand.
And then I'm right back where I began. Ugh!
Here's what I do know - we have spent way too many years planning our life around our fertility treatments. #InfertilityLife is like having a 3rd job that we pay to have. That's some BS right thurr, now ain't it? When you have to be in the doctors office 5-6 times in a two week period, set 3-4 alarms a day to remember your injections, choke down 35 different supplements every night, stick suppositories and other weird shit up your coot-coot, and examine your panties for f*cking egg whites like a damn panty hawk, it gets really f*cking old.
WTF is a panty hawk anyway? I am.
And I'm damn good at it. #pantyhawkgoalsmet
We have avoided planning trips just in case I need to be local for a procedure. My husband had to cancel a guys getaway because we needed him to be "on call" to unload the swimming soldiers. We've put other dreams on hold because our fertility treatments took all of our damn money. We've missed important work meetings, special events, and just plain life.
This process has had us by the balls. Literally. (sorry honey)
WE knew it is time to take a break from fertility treatments.
And that's perfectly OKAY.
This year we have been letting our balls hang free!! FREE BALLING is our game in 2016! We're on a Break! YOLO! #infertilitymoon
We've been living life the way we want to. Our hard earned money is being spent on us! No doctors appointments or pills! Our free time is being spent going to concerts, games, partying, traveling and just living the good life. Palm Springs, Portland, Vegas, Dallas, Mexico...
We're going hard in the paint.
And the best news yet? I'm going on birth control! Crazy, right? Like, why would I need birth control if I can't get pregnant? Well, because I bleed to death every month for about 2-3 weeks.
Get a calculator - do the math.
Each month I'm surprised that my vagina hasn't actually fallen off. And I carefully check the bathroom for sharks or crime scene tape before entering.
I made a doctors appointment to see what my options were. I told her that I would like to enjoy life for a little while without waking up in a pool of blood and ruining my favorite hanky panky's.
So she suggested I try a pill that will completely stop my period for three months straight.
I'm sorry, can you say that again???
THREE WHOLE MONTHS????
Yes, yes! Sign my ass up. NOW! Christmas came early!! I LOVE Christmas!
I also decided it was time to paint the "baby's room". We have a room in our house that we never painted. EVER. We moved in almost 10 YEARS AGO and said, let's not paint it until we have a baby. So, we didn't, for 10 whole years! If you know anything about us, you know that we are very particular and prideful of our home and the way it looks. But for some reason, we let this room just "be". It had chips in the wall, scuffs, dings, finger prints, you name it. We just kept thinking "next year" will be the year! There were plenty of nights I would look in and try to visualize a nursery. I'd turn the lights on and then off again as if I was putting someone to bed. And then I'd do another check again in the morning. Nope, still nothing there. Just an empty room.
But really, what the hell was I expecting to see in there? A baby? A pizza? Ryan Gosling?
I knew in my heart that at some point I would need to move on from make-believe-land. And Ryan.
This past weekend, I decided to paint it.
I turned on some Bob Marley, put on my paint clothes (yes, I have paint clothes) and I began to cover the beat-up walls with a clean, crisp white paint. I was excited.
With the first stroke of paint, I felt my eyes fill with tears. Where was this coming from? I was all fired up 5 minutes ago! Bob Marley, why????
I broke out the roller and began to lather on the new paint in large panels. I love the feeling of covering walls with new paint. It's so gratifying.
But then came...
Sobbing. Sobbing. And more sobbing.
It didn't help that I was painting white over white. The worst f*cking combo you can imagine. No gratification. AT ALL.
I painted for about 3 hours that day, and I think I cried for at least 2.5 of them. Give or take.
I finished painting, put the room back together, and sat on the bed with red, swollen eyes and white paint all over my body.
The tears had stopped!
I wasn't sad anymore. I was feeling good all of a sudden! I was happy! I smiled in adoration of our pretty, new room. Instead of picturing a nursery, I was now picturing all the family and friends that would visit us and sleep in this newly revamped chamber.
This was a small act that I needed to do. I needed to paint my heart out. I needed to cry my eyes out.
I needed to move on from the "baby" room.
At least for now.
Why? Because we're on a break!
Sometimes a new perspective is all you need to shift gears. It's the little movements we take in life that can set us on a completely different path. A path of healing. With each day of being "on a break" I feel a little more like myself again. A different self. A new self. A better self.
I'm starting to feel ready to discuss our next steps again, whatever they may be. I'm almost ready to dip in a toe and test the waters (I said "almost"). I'm open to trying something different and exploring new options to parenthood.
But whatever we do, we won't let it control our life. We're going to keep on living. Because life is a gift, and we only get one (well, unless you're a #44 - wink wink). I'm going to try to cherish every day I get on this earth.
Life is short. Choose happiness! Break the rules! Buy that new purse! Take chances! Visit your loved ones! Book that trip to paradise (that's what travel insurance is for)!