I remember this defining moment like it was yesterday. The doctor told me that it was almost impossible for me to conceive. She told me that it was going to be a huge uphill battle if I wanted to get pregnant. I had already tried multiple rounds of fertility treatments, IUIs, IVF, laparoscopy, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, you name it. Infertility was my life. It had consumed every piece of my being. I didn’t go on trips, I didn’t eat certain foods, I was wearing UGG boots in the summer because someone told me it would help my fertility if I kept my feet warm.
I constantly ask myself... WHY did I spend all that time and money on IUI? Why did I do this to myself 5 fucking times!? Don't do what I did! Well, unless your insurance covers it, then, you do you! I can assure you, it will still take a HUGE toll on your emotional state. You really need to ask yourself if it's worth it.
Some Egg Donor agencies require that every "intended parent" (yes that's what we are called, sigh) goes through a psych evaluation prior to moving forward with the process. The questions asked are uncomfortable and boarder line offensive, in my opinion. Can you imagine if all parents had to go through this before trying to conceive? Think about that one.
We have avoided planning trips just in case I need to be local for a procedure. My husband had to cancel a guys getaway because we needed him to be "on call" to unload the swimming soldiers. We've put other dreams on hold because our fertility treatments took all of our damn money. We've missed important work meetings, special events, and just plain life. This process has had us by the balls. Literally. (sorry honey). We knew it is time to take a break from fertility treatments. And that's perfectly OKAY.
I used to think that I would feel more like the child's "real mother" if we resembled each other. That a blue eyed baby with light hair would make me feel like a "normal" mom in some way. I thought it would be easier for the child to see me as his/her mother if we looked a like. Being a parent is about Love. Nurture. Support. Comfort. Understanding. Love. Love. And more Love. DNA does not make you a mother. Love does.
Most people have no idea how financially stressful the fertility process can be. But the money is just a part of the pain. Yea, it hurts. But that's the least of the hurt, honestly. We WERE finally on a path to success (or so we thought). We had all the hope in the world! Our checkbook was poor but our hearts were full and rich with love! "It will all be worth it in the end" they say! And then my heart got ripped out of my f*cking chest.
There are many lessons I have learned on my journey through infertility, and many of them I had to learn the hard way. I had no idea how hard this would really be, and when you are feeling alone in the process you tend to question your feelings. Am I the only want who feels this way? Am I a bad person for my feelings?