Donor Eggs And The Painful Process Of Choosing A Donor

Hey Girl. Can I Have Your Eggs?

I can't decide which was harder. Making the decision to use donor eggs.  Or selecting the actual egg donor herself (whom I call, "Baby Mama").

Cliche? Maybe. A little hoodrat? Yes of course!

But it works for us.  Finding humor in shitty situations works for us.  When I call my husband and say "Baby Mama passed her drug test today" he knows exactly what I'm talking about. However, the lucky patron standing next to me in the grocery store listening to my phone conversation DOES NOT.  But it sure does make for excellent entertainment!

We're special. I know.

It took us about four months of pondering and discussing before we were willing to even consider exploring the idea. This decision certainly didn't happen over night.

For those of you that aren't familiar with the egg donor process - there aren't just a bunch of pretty Easter eggs sitting on a shelf for you to purchase.  You enter a legal agreement with a donor (preferably young in age) who is willing to be compensated for her time. During this time she  has to follow very strict rules.  Her life revolves around doctors appointments, hormone injections, stimulation drugs, etc.  The goal is for her to produce the highest number of eggs possible.  Once the eggs are fully grown, she then has to go through a surgery where her eggs are retrieved.  The eggs are then injected with my husbands sperm.  We wait to see how many fertilize.  The fertilized eggs are then either directly implanted into me, or frozen for future use.  Once fertilized, they are called embryos.  Got it?

NOTE - there is NO guarantee that any of her eggs will produce a baby.

Sigh.

Surprisingly, the decision to use an egg donor was actually harder on my darling husband. He had the hardest time accepting that the child wouldn't look like me.  He refused to even talk about it when our doctor first brought up the idea.  He couldn't fathom having a child that wasn't technically mine. 

How sweet, right?

Sure, this was hard for me too, but for some reason I had bigger concerns. What if I don't connect with the child.  What if the child doesn't accept me as his/her real mother?  What happens when someone stops me in Target and they think I'm the nanny?  These are things my husband will never have to worry about.

And... 

What if the child wants to meet “Baby Mama” one day? 

Holy F*cking Shit.

"Will the Real Baby Mama please stand up! Please stand up!"

I have beaten myself up about this over and over again.  Creating so many what-if scenarios.  Consuming myself with the ugliest most negative thoughts.  

What if the child resents me?

Get a grip Victoria!

But on the flip side, what if I give birth to the first female president. Or maybe she will be a Hip Hop Artist or Gangsta Rapper (Gawd I hope so).  Who knows!  But for some reason, this is the path we must take. 

This is our fate.

I made the decision to start focusing on the positives to help me accept this next step and here's what I came up with...

I get to use a 20-22 year old's eggs. Um, hello.  WINNING!  Eggs on Fleek!

Egg donors typically have a clean bill of health back to their grandparents.  So maybe our child will get to bypass all my health issues.

We live in Southern California, so finding a tall blonde with blue eyes should be pretty easy to find. Jackpot! 

We don't have to hurry to fight that damn clock anymore. As long as my husband's jizum juices are still kickin', we can freeze the embryo's until we are ready.  Boom Shaka Laka!

So, when we sat down at the computer together to surf the net for our Baby Mama, we were convinced that this could work!  Maybe it could even be fun!

OR NOT.

As they say down south "Well dip my nuts in milk and put me in a room full of kittens!"

Oy!

We were given 5 different egg donor websites to look at with 5 different logins.  We put in our search criteria to filter through the results.  Blonde hair. Blue Eyes. Height 5'6"- 5'10". College graduate.  Pretty straight forward, right?

Um. NO.

The profiles were intense.  Photos at all ages, education stats, favorite movies, diet restrictions, medical history, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, bone structure, blood type, you name it. They even listed their favorite color.  Why do I give a f*ck what her favorite color is?  Come on people!  

We were so overwhelmed.  The higher the college degree and GPA the more money they could charge.  Each time they donated and got a positive result for someone, their price went up again!

Heavens to Betsy! (I'm on this southern kick today, just roll with it)

I spent hours and hours sifting through profiles.  Searching and searching for our "one and only" baby mama. Pulling my gray hairs out, one by one.

Deciding To Use Donor Eggs And The Painful Process Of Choosing A Donor

Get this.  We were out at a local bar one night and we actually thought we saw one of the donors we had saved as a favorite.  Or at least we thought we did.  Perhaps it was the Tequila. 

Ok, most likely, it was the tequila.

Regardless, she got the "Un-favorite" button the next morning. BUH-BYE!

Now, I've never tried online dating, but when people would tell me it's like a part-time job, now I get it. This shit is intense!  Finding your soul mate online has got to be hard, but at least you can meet the person. You get to see if there is connection and move forward or not.

Imagine trying to find the person who will help make your unborn child, but never meeting them.  

What if the one we pick is bat shit crazy?  What if she talks funny? What if she lied on her medical history and is actually a suicidal drug addict. Talk about f*cking pressure.

Secretly, I wanted her to be EXACTLY like me.  

Critical does not even begin to describe my frame of mind.  Call me narcissistic if you want, but NOT unless you have been in my shoes. I DARE YOU!

Amanda was cute but her smile was too gummy.  Daisy looked good on paper but didn't seem outgoing enough in her profile.  I wanted more from her.  Kaylin seemed great but her GPA wasn't quite high enough, and I'm no genius. She also listed Twilight as her favorite book. Um, NO!  Brittany was damn near perfect but she decided last minute to move away to grad school.  Oh, and her sense of fashion wasn't exactly what I had hoped. She had this red sweater that I just couldn't get past.  AND Allyson had made a career of baby mama'ing.  She was on her 5th round of donating. I'm all for the entrepreneurial spirit, but DAAAAAMN GINA!

I obsessed over the littlest things.  It had gotten to be quite ridiculous.  After whittling down to a select few, I'd share my saved profiles with my husband, and his response was always the same.  "But what's her bra size?"

I wish I was kidding. I AM NOT.  Totally normal. Right?

And yes, that was a filter. Bust size. Can you believe that shit?

After weeks of discussing and finally making a decision on a donor, we were told by the donor agency that the one we chose wasn't available. WTF!?!?!!  Why is she on your website then?

This same thing kept happening. And happening. Donor after Donor.

Why is it that all the young blonde college graduates were not available?  Coincidence? I think NOT.  They had plenty of 30 year old college dropouts that were "available".  Hmmmmm.  It made me question whether these donors were even real people.

This process is BULL SHIT. It just felt shady.

"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up!"

I started calling these agencies out, and their response was always "We just have too many girls to keep up with, sorry."  SORRY???  But isn't that your F*CKING job!  Your ONLY F*CKING JOB! To keep track of these "girls"?

I was losing my shit.  We both were.

What's the point of going through profiles and "choosing" one when we don't even know who is available or not.  How sad, right?  I mean, this is just "the way it is" apparently.  And, who's going to say anything?  Most couples going through this are in a very vulnerable place.

Why is this OKAY?

Jokingly, I told my doctor that I wanted to open my own egg donor agency and do things the right way.  Her response "You totally should, we would use you."

Let's table that one...

I finally found a representative at one of the agencies who was willing to help me. ONE representative out of FIVE agencies with multiple reps at each agency. Grrrr.

We were finally looking at "available" donors. FINALLY!

We were still struggling to find the perfect match.  So we decided to consult with our doctor for advice. To put it simply, she told us that when we find "the one" we would feel some sort of a connection.  She even went so far to say, "think about how you felt on your wedding day, this is just as important".  But how the hell are we supposed to do that without meeting the person?  I mean, what do I really have in common with a 22 year old anyway?  I got so frustrated with the process, so I quit for a couple of months.

NONE of them were good enough to be MY baby mama.

We considered other ridiculous options. Looking back, I think we were delusional.

So many people would ask me - Why don't you just ask your sister for her eggs?  I'll admit, I thought about it. Anyone going through this considers this stuff, I'm sure of it.  But, can you imagine the day when we have to tell little Suzy that her Auntie is actually kind of her Mommy too?

I'll pass.

I actually had two different friends offer me their eggs.  And they were dead serious.  I was in awe. How selfless, right?  To be willing to go through a hormonal altering experience, shots, meds, ultrasounds, AND surgery. For me? Wow. Just wow.  I'll never forget that gesture. Ever.

Considered it. But, nah.  Still too close to home.

Then we entered full blown delusion.  We'd see a healthy young "mini-me" out in a public place, and we'd joke about walking up to her and saying...

"Hey girl, can I have your eggs?"

Can you imagine?

We were losing our shit.  But hey, we needed to go through this exercise of other considerations to end up back where we are now.  It's all about the "journey", right?

So we hopped back online to MamaMatch.com to give it another go.

I logged on.

AND.

THERE.

SHE.

WAS.

(insert "clouds parting" sound effect)

OMG! OMG!

This girl looked like she could be my sibling.  Reading her profile was like reading about myself!

OMG!

I was giddy. I was shaking. I felt lightheaded.  AND I couldn't stop smiling! OMG! OMG!

Could this be her?

Her name was Meggan.  AND she was available!

OH MEGGAN!!!

Is this the "connection" my doctor told me about?  I showed the profile to my husband.  I was fighting the huge grin on my face - I didn't want to influence his opinion.  I just stayed quiet and observed.  I remember watching him scan the page and watching his smile grow bigger and bigger.  Praise the Lawd Jesus!  He felt the "connection" too (and not because of her bust size)!  She was my perfect match! I knew it!

OH MEGGAN!!!

I am so glad we found you.  You aren't perfect, but neither am I.  You are imperfect in all the right ways.  Something about you just feels right.  There is something comforting about you.

You had to make some hard choices at a young age to better your life, and I respect you for that.  You are strong, but admit your weaknesses.  You are beautiful, yet you don't seem to know it. 

And overall, I admire you for willing to help someone like me.  What an angel you are.  You made a decision to give someone else a chance to be parents, that you may later regret.  You are so young and doing such a brave thing to give to someone else.  If I could, I would tell you that you are are making a HUGE difference in our life, and you are more than appreciated.  You are needed.  You are giving us real hope again, and we are eternally grateful.

YOU are the ONE we have been waiting for.