If going the IVF route, you are likely faced with this dilemma- to test your embryos or not to test? Genetic Testing (otherwise known as PGS, preimplantation genetic screening), is when one or more cells is removed from an IVF embryo to test for chromosomal normalcy.The genetically normal embryos are kept for transfer, and the abnormal embryos are discarded.
Now that I'm pregnant, people are starting to treat me like any, normal, "fertile" pregnant woman. Most would think, this is what I want - to feel normal. I don't blame them, I can see why people would think this. They might think - she's finally pregnant and past all the grieving and hard stuff, so this is the time to shower her with excitement and baby talk. But, I'm so not.
Some Egg Donor agencies require that every "intended parent" (yes that's what we are called, sigh) goes through a psych evaluation prior to moving forward with the process. The questions asked are uncomfortable and boarder line offensive, in my opinion. Can you imagine if all parents had to go through this before trying to conceive? Think about that one.
I used to think that I would feel more like the child's "real mother" if we resembled each other. That a blue eyed baby with light hair would make me feel like a "normal" mom in some way. I thought it would be easier for the child to see me as his/her mother if we looked a like. Being a parent is about Love. Nurture. Support. Comfort. Understanding. Love. Love. And more Love. DNA does not make you a mother. Love does.
When we started down the route of using an egg donor, everyone made it sound like it was a shoe in. I remember our doctor saying our chances of success were around 90%. When you select an egg donor, you are basically saying, okay, lets just get pregnant already. You don't really consider that it won't work. It's, simple, you choose a young girl with a ton of healthy eggs, and then you get pregnant. It's a no brainer. Well, until you find out your Egg Donor is exactly like you.
We learned that there aren't any clear cut laws around using egg donors. So, even though we have a signed legal agreement, the law doesn't clearly define me as the mother. Sigh. And, the law could change at any time and trump our signed agreement. Double Sigh. Luckily, there are proven court cases to reference, and in most instances the "intended" mother won in all of those cases. Our attorney told us that since it is my "intent" to mother the child (not Meggan's) I would "likely" be considered the legal mother if she ever tried to take me to court to sue for parental rights. Isn't that f*cking awesome? But, at least, Jonathan is still the baby daddy, regardless. So, we have that.
I got the pleasure of meeting an egg donor. I was in complete admiration of her. Although, she didn't consider her act of donating eggs admirable at all. But, I couldn't disagree more.
There are many things in life you get paid to do that take guts, courage and heart. Think about the people that do jobs you consider "admirable". They are getting paid, but they are still doing a job that not many people would do, right? They are putting their lives at danger, but sure, they still receive a paycheck.(Note - egg donors certainly aren't rolling in the dough. In most cases, the agency actually collects more money than the donor does.)
I can't decide which was harder. Making the decision to use donor eggs. Or selecting the actual egg donor herself. We were still struggling to find the perfect match. So we decided to consult with our doctor for advice. To put it simply, she told us that when we find "the one" we would feel some sort of a connection. She even went so far to say, "think about how you felt on your wedding day, this is just as important". But how the hell are we supposed to do that without meeting the person?
I'm letting go of my broken eggs. I'm done. It's not going to be easy. Lord I know that. Life isn't supposed to be easy though, right? I've been blessed in my life in so many ways. I know that. Life has been good to me. There are worse things that could happen to me, I always keep that in perspective. We all have our things in life that kick us in the gut. This is my "thing". And I can handle it.