“Mama, we do so many things alike, but we don’t share genetics!”
A comment my 7 year old daughter says to me on a very regular basis. She knows she was conceived with the help of an egg donor and finds comfort in the things that make us alike.
Recognizing similarities and differences is how children shape their identity, and finding a balance between both is what helps them build confidence in who they are. This is one of the main reasons I published the book “Our Hearts Match”, because I could see very early on how important it was for my daughter to understand her uniqueness, yet also her sameness.
Despite carrying both my children in my womb for nine months, I didn’t contribute any DNA to either of them - but - I know with 100% confidence, I have made a lasting mark on who they are becoming. From the environment of my womb to the hormonal signals I sent during pregnancy, we’ve been intensely connected since the very beginning.
I have the privilege of seeing how many traits we share in everyday real life with both of my children - and it’s freaking fascinating! I see it in little ways that surprise me: the way my daughter reacts to a sad song, her mannerisms when she’s telling a story, the way she talks, the words she uses, the way she poses for pictures, even her physical quirks that mirror mine like how one of her eye’s squint when she smiles.
Or in the way my son organizes cabinets obsessively, takes calculated risks, likes to fix things, sings to himself, or the way he comforts others when they are sad.
These shared traits don’t erase the absence of a genetic link, but they do add a new layer of connection that’s very real, deeply personal, and scientifically cool. It’s part of the story of how our children become themselves.
Non-Genetic Traits You Can Pass On Through the Womb
One of the most empowering things I’ve learned as a mom via egg donation is this: just because I didn’t contribute DNA doesn’t mean my body didn’t have a profound influence on my children.
The womb environment plays a huge role in shaping who our children become - physically, emotionally, and even behaviorally. There are some fascinating non-genetic traits that can be influenced just by carrying your baby:
Immune System Shaping
There is a reason your doctor tells you to eat “healthy” when you are pregnant. Your body helps train your baby’s immune system before they’re even born. Things like how sensitive they may be to allergens, their tolerance (or risk) for autoimmune issues, or how resilient they may be against infections. A carrying mother’s diet affects immune-building nutrients that support fetal immune development.
Metabolism & Growth Patterns
If a carrying mother consumes too many or too few calories, this can “program” the baby’s metabolism to store or use energy differently, potentially influencing the child’s risk of obesity or diabetes later in life.
Heart Health
A pregnant woman plays a critical role in shaping her baby’s heart health - both in how the fetal heart forms (during early pregnancy) and how it functions later in life. The heart is one of the very first organs to develop, and its formation and long-term resilience are strongly influenced by maternal health, nutrition, and environment. You help guide the development of your baby’s cardiovascular system, impacting how their heart develops in the womb and even their blood pressure regulation into adulthood.
Brain Development & Emotional Regulation
Your pregnancy environment helps shape the brain, even how your child handles emotions. It affects their natural stress response (fight, flight, freeze), their temperament, emotional sensitivity and regulation, their learning ability and memory retention and even sleep habits and how easily they’re soothed.
Your body is actively shaping their lifelong health and tendencies in meaningful, measurable ways. What’s more important than lifelong health?
And it doesn’t stop there.
Traits Shared Beyond the Womb:
While your womb environment plays a powerful role in shaping your child before they're born, the way you live, speak, move, and even eat continues to shape them after birth - in very real, biological ways.
This isn't just about nurture or modeling behavior. Many of these traits are passed on through shared biology and environment in ways science is only just beginning to understand - especially through things like gene expression, hormonal signaling, sensory imprinting, and even shared microbiomes.
Here are some of the ways your child might reflect you, if you are a parent via donor conception:
Personality & Behavioral Traits
You might notice your child shares your personality traits like introvert or extrovert tendencies, curiosity, intensity, etc. or adopts your communication style or speech patterns. My daughter communicates a lot like me, it’s crazy! Sometimes I sit and observe with my jaw dropped as she tells a story, snort laughs, and then throws me a wink exactly like I do - thinking how does this little person not have my DNA?
Your child might also develop mannerisms that feel eerily familiar - and not always the ones you are most proud of ( I say that with a smile on my face) - or mirror your gestures, facial expressions, or tone of voice without even trying. The way my daughter says “literally”...literally kills me.
These aren't just learned habits either - they’re often biological responses shaped by constant exposure to your voice, rhythm, and emotional cues in infancy.
Habits, Values & Emotional Sensitivities
Living with someone long enough can sync up more than just routines. Over time, kids can share your habits (like how you organize things, your stress responses, or daily rhythms) , your values - the things you prioritize, believe in, or value, and sensitivities to smells, noise, or foods.
My daughter and I are both bloodhounds and can smell things a mile away! We also both instantly cry at songs that feel even the tiniest bit emotional within 10 seconds of the song starting.
How You Smell
It sounds strange, but it’s true: you and your child might literally smell alike. This isn't about perfume or laundry detergent - it's about body chemistry. I’ll never forget when my mom commented on how my daughter smelled exactly like me when she was a baby.
As my mother, she would know best, right?
Our scent is influenced by our hormones, diet, microbiome, and even emotional state. Because you live together, share skin-to-skin contact, and likely have similar microbiomes (especially if you breastfed or had prolonged physical closeness), your natural scent profiles can start to align.
Scent can play a role in bonding, emotional regulation, and even how safe or comforted a child feels around you. Babies can recognize and be calmed by their parent’s scent within hours of birth - it’s like our superpower!
The Subtle Magic of You
From how your child crinkles their eyes when they smile to how they hold a fork, there are countless tiny details that reflect you. And it’s not just imitation. It’s the science of shared biology, environment, and epigenetic influence.
It’s a reminder that biology is more than just DNA - and parenthood is deeper than genetics.
In my opinion, the non-genetic traits our kids can gain from us are the most important things about us. They are the things that others know us and love us for. My friends and family don’t love me for my blue eyes, they love me for my snort laughs, elaborate story telling, and deep empathy.
That’s the magic I want to pass on.
Surprise Bonus: Your Kids Pass on Things to You Too!
The coolest part about all of this, is that shared traits can go both ways - our children can influence our gene expression as parents too. I genuinely love how becoming a parent has shaped and evolved parts of who I am. It’s a beautiful thing. When people say, “your daughter is just like you,” I often smile and say, “actually, I’m just like her” - because some of these traits only showed up after she came into my life (and she’s literally one of my most favorite humans ever to exist). What a huge compliment!
The non-genetic things we share is a powerful, real phenomenon - a two-way biological connection that weaves families together and shapes who they become through the people they love most. What could be more profound than that?
