The journey of conceiving a child via egg donation is a deeply personal process. We all enter this process with unique pieces of ourselves. Whether it be our family belief systems, personality types, religious backgrounds or cultural beliefs, no two people enter this process the same.
Whether this is your first time considering egg donation or you’ve always known you would need an egg donor to build your family, choosing an egg donor is not an easy process. I’ve personally been through the egg donation selection process multiple times now, with multiple different agencies and egg banks. It can be exciting and equally overwhelming. I’m sharing some of the lessons I learned in hopes to make this process a bit easier for you. It can be exciting and equally overwhelming. I’m sharing some of the lessons I learned in hopes to make this process a bit easier for you.
This is such an overwhelming decision to have to make and there are so many different schools of thought on whether it’s better to use fresh or frozen donor eggs. It’s easy to feel confused on which direction to take. This is truly a personal decision and heavily based on your situation and the plans you have for your future family. I’m not a doctor or expert by any means, but I have definitely been faced with this decision multiple times in my life and feel the need to share my personal reflection.
This program series is very near and dear to my heart and I am very proud of the curriculum we have built. My goal is to help empower, educate and support people at all phases of the donor conception process. Whether you are going through donor conception for the first time, or on the other side of it as a parent of a donor conceived child. I’ve been having some very meaningful conversations with some Donor Conceived Adults that have helped me shape this program, two of which will be speaking in the series.
I vividly remember my very first IVF cycle. The doctor sent me home with a stack of papers with protocols and lists of medications I needed to take with dates and times of when I’d needed to take them. Some were oral pills, some vaginal suppositories, some intramuscular injections, and some in the tummy.
Secondary infertility is a huge slap in the face. It’s like learning to ride a bike so well and then all of a sudden your body is thrown off the bike uncontrollably. It’s the feeling of failure when your child asks “mama, why can’t I have a sister?”. It’s knowing the love you have for your own sibling and wanting that love for the person you love the most.
I remember this defining moment like it was yesterday. The doctor told me that it was almost impossible for me to conceive. She told me that it was going to be a huge uphill battle if I wanted to get pregnant. I had already tried multiple rounds of fertility treatments, IUIs, IVF, laparoscopy, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, you name it. Infertility was my life. It had consumed every piece of my being. I didn’t go on trips, I didn’t eat certain foods, I was wearing UGG boots in the summer because someone told me it would help my fertility if I kept my feet warm.
I constantly ask myself... WHY did I spend all that time and money on IUI? Why did I do this to myself 5 fucking times!? Don't do what I did! Well, unless your insurance covers it, then, you do you! I can assure you, it will still take a HUGE toll on your emotional state. You really need to ask yourself if it's worth it.
We have avoided planning trips just in case I need to be local for a procedure. My husband had to cancel a guys getaway because we needed him to be "on call" to unload the swimming soldiers. We've put other dreams on hold because our fertility treatments took all of our damn money. We've missed important work meetings, special events, and just plain life. This process has had us by the balls. Literally. (sorry honey). We knew it is time to take a break from fertility treatments. And that's perfectly OKAY.
I used to think that I would feel more like the child's "real mother" if we resembled each other. That a blue eyed baby with light hair would make me feel like a "normal" mom in some way. I thought it would be easier for the child to see me as his/her mother if we looked a like. Being a parent is about Love. Nurture. Support. Comfort. Understanding. Love. Love. And more Love. DNA does not make you a mother. Love does.
Most people have no idea how financially stressful the fertility process can be. But the money is just a part of the pain. Yea, it hurts. But that's the least of the hurt, honestly. We WERE finally on a path to success (or so we thought). We had all the hope in the world! Our checkbook was poor but our hearts were full and rich with love! "It will all be worth it in the end" they say! And then my heart got ripped out of my f*cking chest.
There are many lessons I have learned on my journey through infertility, and many of them I had to learn the hard way. I had no idea how hard this would really be, and when you are feeling alone in the process you tend to question your feelings. Am I the only want who feels this way? Am I a bad person for my feelings?
